Oh how those five little letters can be so harmful, oh how those can be so crippling. I have always considered myself a positive person. I will encourage someone to try and achieve the best to their ability and will try and help them see how any negative situation can have a positive out come. I think it is mostly because I don't like seeing people sad or depressed or unhappy. I don't like seeing them not getting what they want or achieving what they can. But I have recently discovered when it comes to myself...doubt has a tendency to over come me. I probably doubt myself and situations I am in more then I have doubt for others.
I recently was talking with someone and they told me that I am beautiful, have a great love for Jesus, am a great children's minister, and intelligent. These are things every girl wants to hear especially the beautiful part and these are also things that many people have told me before. However even after this person told me this and with all the other people telling me, I can honestly say that it was less then a week when I doubted every single thing.
I remember walking across campus at seminary with my best friend, with me crying because I didn't think I belonged there and that it was the last place I should be. Then, on the day of graduation crying because I had finished, I accomplished something I never thought I would. I honestly don't see myself as a good minister...maybe that is what makes me a good minister. I don't want to sound high and mighty, but I know that this strange calling that have been placed on my life is not one that I ever thought I would be doing. I see myself as just a failure when it comes to following Christ, that I fail everyday in following him. However, I think it is also because I know that I am not perfect and that I fail that I am able to be used. I know that God does not call the equipped he equips the called and I am the total definition of that!
Most recently my doubt has become over bearing when it comes to CrossFit and my goals, I was on such a roll and then my back problem hit and I faltered and stumbled, but was determined to get back up. Then I found myself quitting. I found myself at one point saying I will never get there so whats the point. I will just stick with where I am I can be happy with that, it will work for me. Oh how doubt has poked up its evil head once again.
I know that I could make this a really theological topic and talk about how doubt is from Satan and it is not from the Lord. But theology has never been my strong suit, so I will not go there. What I do know is that Jesus talked about doubt and there are many stories in the Bible about people who did not doubt and miraculous things happen. He even says in Matthew 21 "...if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.'" Oh to have the faith to tell a mountain to throw itself in the sea. I think we all have our mountains, if you are like me you have multiple mountains, some bigger then others. But I challenge you just and at the same time challenge myself have faith...have faith to move a mountain.
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