Expectations and heart break

I hate being a girl sometimes. There are the obvious reasons, having to shave your legs, the prep time for going out, and the overwhelming pressure of society. It just isn't all fun and games, especially when it comes to games of the heart. I am kinda dealing with a slightly fractured one at the moment. I got to be on the receiving end of the "We will just be friends" talk this weekend. Now I have given this speech before to guys, but have never been on the receiving end of it. While I didn't like it, in fact I hated every second of it, I do have more respect for the guy for doing it. Because you see in the past I have just been left hanging wondering what on earth I did wrong for the guy I liked not to like me. And as much as last night sucked, I at least am not left wondering. Part of me wishes I could be mad at him, angry because he is dating someone else, mad because he said something mean...something. But I have nothing. all he did was sing my praises, tell me I am an amazing girl, will make an amazing wife and mother, but it was not going to be with him. He wants to be friends, its what I want to, but I know its something that will take time. Before, I can simply text or call him without wondering....maybe. I think deep down I knew that it was going to happen, but I had in mind what I wanted and was not going to change my mind.  Last night I was blessed to have a friend come over and bring pizza and ice cream. She just let me cry and complain helped me talk through it, watched "Pitch Perfect" (how can you not laugh at that). Oh to be blessed with great friends is awesome. But through it all I kept thinking, "Did I set my expectation too high?" "Did I expect more than was fair?" He and and I had both agree that we would see where this went and we would be open and honest about everything, but in it all did I take it to the immediate expectation of more. Maybe I did, that is something that I have to figure out.

One thing that I have learned yet again through this and something that I am learning all the time is my expectation do not always line with God. We can pray and hope and scheme and make ourselves believe that we can get what we want. But in the end we will either end up unhappy because we chose our way instead of His or we spending a night crying, eating pizza, and ice cream because God had break our heart and bring us back to him and his plan. So much can come from living for our own expectation, some of it can be great especially if your expectation line up with God. But oh if they don't, heart ache can result, and maybe not even heart ache for just you. We, and I mean me too, have to always make sure that we are aligning up what with God. I have no doubt that when they do great things will happen and if we are following him he will give us the desire of our heart, because our desires are his desires. I don't regret the past four month and oh I hope that me and this guy can be friends. He is a great Christian guy and he actually manned up and was honest instead of sinking back into the shadows to leave me wondering. But, I know it might be a while before I can simply text and say "How how are you?" and have a simple friendly conversation and not have expectations for more.

That's the hard part knowing he things that I am this great girl, we have a blast together, but he and I just aren't going to be together. I think that is the biggest thing I am struggling with is why? But I guess we don't always get a answer to the whys in life. God doesn't always give us a why he just says trust me.....

Mountains...a five letter word

D-O-U-B-T

Oh how those five little letters can be so harmful, oh how those can be so crippling. I have always considered myself a positive person. I will encourage someone to try and achieve the best to their ability and will try and help them see how any negative situation can have a positive out come. I think it is mostly because I don't like seeing people sad or depressed or unhappy. I don't like seeing them not getting what they want or achieving what they can. But I have recently discovered when it comes to myself...doubt has a tendency to over come me. I probably doubt myself and situations I am in more then I have doubt for others.

I recently was talking with someone and they told me that I am beautiful, have a great love for Jesus, am a great children's minister, and intelligent. These are things every girl wants to hear especially the beautiful part and these are also things that many people have told me before.  However even after this person told me this and with all the other people telling me, I can honestly say that it was less then a week when I doubted every single thing. 

I remember walking across campus at seminary with my best friend, with me crying because I didn't think I belonged there and that it was the last place I should be. Then, on the day of graduation crying because I had finished, I accomplished something I never thought I would. I honestly don't see myself as a good minister...maybe that is what makes me a good minister. I don't want to sound high and mighty, but I know that this strange calling that have been placed on my life is not one that I ever thought I would be doing. I see myself as just a failure when it comes to following Christ, that I fail everyday in following him. However, I think it is also because I know that I am not perfect and that I fail that I am able to be used. I know that God does not call the equipped he equips the called and I am the total definition of that! 

Most recently my doubt has become over bearing when it comes to CrossFit and my goals, I was on such a roll and then my back problem hit and I faltered and stumbled, but was determined to get back up. Then I found myself quitting. I found myself at one point saying I will never get there so whats the point. I will just stick with where I am I can be happy with that, it will work for me. Oh how doubt has poked up its evil head once again. 

I know that I could make this a really theological topic and talk about how doubt is from Satan and it is not from the Lord. But theology has never been my strong suit, so I will not go there. What I do know is that Jesus talked about doubt and there are many stories in the Bible about people who did not doubt and miraculous things happen. He even says in Matthew 21 "...if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.'" Oh to have the faith to tell a mountain to throw itself in the sea. I think we all have our mountains, if you are like me you have multiple mountains, some bigger then others. But I challenge you just and at the same time challenge myself have faith...have faith to move a mountain.

Easy like Easy Mac...

So when I was a kid Mac and Cheese was my favorites. No matter what when my mom cooked it I was so excited. Well with this whole new life style (cause that's what your suppose to call dieting) I don't get it much. But every now and then I cheat and make some, sometimes you just have to have that old comfort food! 

The fact is when you are over weight for the majority of your life even when you lose weight...even a lot of weight it's hard to see yourself that way.(Or at least it is for me) I have lost 45 lbs since January 4th and I'm not sure how many inches cause I didn't measure myself. All I really have to go on is pictures and clothes. I can see changes, but even with all this I still 80% of the time don't see the change. I still think of myself as that extremely overweight person who used my jokes, volume, and self deprecating humor to get me through the day. 

(This is a constant reminder)

One movie that I like to watch when it comes on is "League of their Own". Well there is a line toward the end of that movie where Jimmy Dugan tells Dottie Henson "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." I think that if you ask anyone that has ever tried to change they way they were living they will say it is hard. You fall back into old habits. Sometimes its easier to do what you used to. Its familiar it its comfortable, but that does not mean its better. I don't say this just in regards to losing weight...I'm saying anything that requires a change in the way you did things. 

Last weekend I slipped back into my old habits big time...I'm talking junk food...no exercising the whole deal! To be perfectly honest I had not felt that bad in months. I felt horrible..and just wanted to throw-up and stay in bed. If you ask me now (and your reading this so you might want to know) what is hard...hard is going back to the way things once were. Hard is going back to limited stores that I could shop. Hard is going back to being exhausted all the time. Hard is not wanting to be seen or acknowledged in a crowd. Knowing what I know now..hard is going back. Don't get me wrong I know I have a long way to go and that by no means is it going to be easy, but I know it is going to be easier then it has been and how the past was. I hope that Dottie's words "It just got too hard" come out of my mouth and I hope you can have that same attitude too! 

Stumbling blocks and fear

So I spent most the time from 9:30 am till 1:00 pm crying. We're talking the big crocodile tears...ones that leave marks on your shirt. Not ugly face crying just sadness. These tears are not because I found out today that my pelvis is 7-9 mm lower in the left than the right or that I have arthritis in my lower back or that I have a sway in my back that is a good 10 degrees off than what is normal. All these things are fixable and hopefully will be much better after 6 weeks of care. 

No the reason I was crying these crocodile tears that I see so many of my preschoolers cry is because of fear. Because with these health problems come the requirement that I scale (to a high degree) everything at CrossFit. You see it started almost three weeks ago with some muscle pain. I didn't think much of it and continued when it didn't get better I tried a massage. Thankfully I saw improvement for a day or two, but when it came time to workout again all the pain was back. So I took myself to the chiropractor and after this morning's visit the above mentioned are the results. It seems that my muscles on the right side are working extra hard to pull up the left pelvis to no avail, hence some of the pain. Most people would be so worried about this diagnosis and what came next and don't get me wrong I have my concerns, but they all tie into fear. 


Fear that it won't get better and ever getting back to my full capacity at CrossFit will never happen. 


Fear that I have damaged my body beyond repair because of my horrible habits in the past.


Fear that this will push me to quit. (I have already been close a couple of times today) 


Fear of gaining all 45 lbs I have lost and then some back. 


Fear of not being able to get past this point and not achieving my finial goal. 


Fear that I'm going to let this stumbling block stop me completely.

Even I write this though there is a still small voice telling me I have this. Even if I feel like it is pointless for me to still go to CrossFit because I'm not even close to being able to do the full WOD. Even if I can't run (cause I can't). Even if I can't lift the weight I'm used to (cause I can't). As I have thought and cried that voice tells me I will over come this. It was Elijah that heard the still small voice of God in the wind. I'm no Elijah and there is it a crazy person after me. But I know that if I'm going to make it through the next six weeks (maybe more) of sticking to my goals and staying on track drawing my strength from God is the only way it's going to be possible. But that doesn't mean that there won't be more tears along the way...

This situation is not life threatening...I have been told I will get back to my old CrossFit self one day (sooner rather than later I hope). But in the mean time I guess I will really have to watch my eating and if anyone wants to go for a walk...just give me a call. 

I think I need to go download Mandisa's 'Overcomer' something tells me it my come in handy soon...

Deja vu

Well recently someone told me that I should be blogging…my response “I have a blog I just don’t use it.” Well I have decided to use it again. That being said here we go!

How many times have you found yourself in the same place you have been before? Doing the same thing you always do? Or making the same mistakes you swore you would never make? I think we have all been there…if you haven’t congratulations and can I please have your secret because you could totally market that junk!

Well I am here to say I have done this numerous times and I am at that point once again, but first a little back ground. I have struggled with weight my whole life….I wish had been one of those people who was a fit kid & it just got away from me but that wasn’t the case. As you can see I was always a cubby child. (Please note the denim on denim) Well cubby childhood morphed into overweight teenager. (Senior prom)

I wish I could tell you that there was some deep seeded reason I was so big, but after a lot of self-reflection I realized…I just really like food. I could never be bulimic or anorexic because I love food too much and please know I know those are serious struggles. Well my weight went up and down over the years and then three years ago I reached this point (second from left):

But the final year of seminary and trying to determine what God had next for me…I gained it all back and probably then some. And started a journey yet again and here I am again at a point I have been at many times before and hitting a plateu that I know all too well….

But this time I plan to look at this stage and punch it in the face! I am determined to look forward and see what I can accomplish with more hard work and dedication. I know it is going to be hard work and effort and I know I will stumble at times, but I have no doubt that with the Lord’s help I can press forward.

So this is a challenge to all you who have actually taken time to read this long blog. When you come to that point of giving up and throwing in the towel with whatever it is you are facing, don’t look back keep pressing forward chances are its much better then where you have been because when I look back I am amazed at the changes I have seen and it pushes me forward…toward better and greater things that God has planned for my future…cause I have no desire to go back...

                                                 December 2012-------August 2013

Fear Factor

I’m not sure if you have ever watched the show, if you have then you know what I am talking about. However, if you haven’t basically the idea is that people compete in these challenges and whoever makes it through wins money. Now these battles are not easy things, they generally involve eating bugs, sitting in snakes, diving into something gross or doing a stunt from a helicopter or a high building.

I MIGHT do well on most of these competitions…however, heights is where I would fail horribly. See I have a healthy fear of heights by that I mean they down right scare me to death! I have always had a small fear, however when I was in college, something happened that make this fear even stronger. It involved this roof…and a loose toe board. To make a long story short, I was on a mission trip repairing a roof and the toe board I was on slipped. Had it not been for a friend and my crew chief, I question where I would be today and also if I would be here today.

Fast forward to this week end where I had the joy of going on a trip with the youth group from my church, where we went to a Rangers game and set way, way high up and also Hurricane Harbor. It was at Hurricane Harbor that I got the “joy” one of these tackling slides. One of which was this giant thing, known as the Tornado:

While waiting in line tried to back out several times…in fact when the time came to get in the tube, I’m sure the guy thought I was crazy because  I kept asking if the ride was safe and if anyone had ever died on it. Now you may laugh...but that is the level of my fear both of heights and perhaps a little fear of the unknown.  Now once I got over the initial fear…the ride was absolutely amazing! I am so glad that I stuck with it, well was kind of forced to stick with it.

Fear can do many things to a person; it can keep them from accomplishing something amazing and wonderful. Fear can keep a person missing out something great in their life.  I want to challenge you don’t let fear keep  you from doing something that could be amazing or accomplishing something that could change your life…or who knows you overcoming your fears may have a life changing impact on someone else....

Time is tickin'

So I got this little guy as a graduation present from my best friend....

Now before you ask why on earth would someone get a person a egg timer, there is a story behind it. There was a year between the time I came to seminary and when I finished college that I cleaned houses. One of the houses I cleaned was my best friend's aunt's house and she had one of these timers. Well when I was cleaning one day, I picked up the little feet came off and I kinda panicked, I thought I had broken it. So I took it home and super glued the feet back on and then the next day took it back to her and told her what happened. She looked at me and started laughing...and I was so confused. She told me that the feet were suppose to come off so that it could be turned over so that you could time stuff. Well this is the story of my life...doing silly things, but that's just who I am...I do and say silly things. But while I do silly things...I still was able to get my masters, silly yes...stupid no. Its hard to believe that I am done with school and have no more papers left...woohoo! It still seems so surreal to me...I'm done...no more book reviews, no more research papers...

As the new year begins and things start I have realized that its the time to make resolution...I always have hated making these because I feel like a complete failure if I don't complete them. I heard on the radio today about someone calling them goals instead of resolution, so I have decided to do this. Since I am going to have a little more time and some new adventures I have decided to make one of my goals to blog at least once a week. Sometimes it might be insightful, other times about cooking, or just about a new adventure. I also think I am going to be more crafty making new thing. I am also going to memorize Scripture. Also, try new things maybe a cooking class..finish my cake decorating classes. 

I am excited to see what this new year is going to bring...and what God is going to do because let's be honest it has not been me these past three years, but the Lord guiding me and making everyone of my accomplishes possible!!! 

Oh here is how the egg timer looks when you flip it and don't glue the feet onto it...