I hate being a girl sometimes. There are the obvious reasons, having to shave your legs, the prep time for going out, and the overwhelming pressure of society. It just isn't all fun and games, especially when it comes to games of the heart. I am kinda dealing with a slightly fractured one at the moment. I got to be on the receiving end of the "We will just be friends" talk this weekend. Now I have given this speech before to guys, but have never been on the receiving end of it. While I didn't like it, in fact I hated every second of it, I do have more respect for the guy for doing it. Because you see in the past I have just been left hanging wondering what on earth I did wrong for the guy I liked not to like me. And as much as last night sucked, I at least am not left wondering. Part of me wishes I could be mad at him, angry because he is dating someone else, mad because he said something mean...something. But I have nothing. all he did was sing my praises, tell me I am an amazing girl, will make an amazing wife and mother, but it was not going to be with him. He wants to be friends, its what I want to, but I know its something that will take time. Before, I can simply text or call him without wondering....maybe. I think deep down I knew that it was going to happen, but I had in mind what I wanted and was not going to change my mind. Last night I was blessed to have a friend come over and bring pizza and ice cream. She just let me cry and complain helped me talk through it, watched "Pitch Perfect" (how can you not laugh at that). Oh to be blessed with great friends is awesome. But through it all I kept thinking, "Did I set my expectation too high?" "Did I expect more than was fair?" He and and I had both agree that we would see where this went and we would be open and honest about everything, but in it all did I take it to the immediate expectation of more. Maybe I did, that is something that I have to figure out.
One thing that I have learned yet again through this and something that I am learning all the time is my expectation do not always line with God. We can pray and hope and scheme and make ourselves believe that we can get what we want. But in the end we will either end up unhappy because we chose our way instead of His or we spending a night crying, eating pizza, and ice cream because God had break our heart and bring us back to him and his plan. So much can come from living for our own expectation, some of it can be great especially if your expectation line up with God. But oh if they don't, heart ache can result, and maybe not even heart ache for just you. We, and I mean me too, have to always make sure that we are aligning up what with God. I have no doubt that when they do great things will happen and if we are following him he will give us the desire of our heart, because our desires are his desires. I don't regret the past four month and oh I hope that me and this guy can be friends. He is a great Christian guy and he actually manned up and was honest instead of sinking back into the shadows to leave me wondering. But, I know it might be a while before I can simply text and say "How how are you?" and have a simple friendly conversation and not have expectations for more.
That's the hard part knowing he things that I am this great girl, we have a blast together, but he and I just aren't going to be together. I think that is the biggest thing I am struggling with is why? But I guess we don't always get a answer to the whys in life. God doesn't always give us a why he just says trust me.....
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Mountains...a five letter word
D-O-U-B-T
Oh how those five little letters can be so harmful, oh how those can be so crippling. I have always considered myself a positive person. I will encourage someone to try and achieve the best to their ability and will try and help them see how any negative situation can have a positive out come. I think it is mostly because I don't like seeing people sad or depressed or unhappy. I don't like seeing them not getting what they want or achieving what they can. But I have recently discovered when it comes to myself...doubt has a tendency to over come me. I probably doubt myself and situations I am in more then I have doubt for others.
I recently was talking with someone and they told me that I am beautiful, have a great love for Jesus, am a great children's minister, and intelligent. These are things every girl wants to hear especially the beautiful part and these are also things that many people have told me before. However even after this person told me this and with all the other people telling me, I can honestly say that it was less then a week when I doubted every single thing.
I remember walking across campus at seminary with my best friend, with me crying because I didn't think I belonged there and that it was the last place I should be. Then, on the day of graduation crying because I had finished, I accomplished something I never thought I would. I honestly don't see myself as a good minister...maybe that is what makes me a good minister. I don't want to sound high and mighty, but I know that this strange calling that have been placed on my life is not one that I ever thought I would be doing. I see myself as just a failure when it comes to following Christ, that I fail everyday in following him. However, I think it is also because I know that I am not perfect and that I fail that I am able to be used. I know that God does not call the equipped he equips the called and I am the total definition of that!
Most recently my doubt has become over bearing when it comes to CrossFit and my goals, I was on such a roll and then my back problem hit and I faltered and stumbled, but was determined to get back up. Then I found myself quitting. I found myself at one point saying I will never get there so whats the point. I will just stick with where I am I can be happy with that, it will work for me. Oh how doubt has poked up its evil head once again.
I know that I could make this a really theological topic and talk about how doubt is from Satan and it is not from the Lord. But theology has never been my strong suit, so I will not go there. What I do know is that Jesus talked about doubt and there are many stories in the Bible about people who did not doubt and miraculous things happen. He even says in Matthew 21 "...if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.'" Oh to have the faith to tell a mountain to throw itself in the sea. I think we all have our mountains, if you are like me you have multiple mountains, some bigger then others. But I challenge you just and at the same time challenge myself have faith...have faith to move a mountain.
Oh how those five little letters can be so harmful, oh how those can be so crippling. I have always considered myself a positive person. I will encourage someone to try and achieve the best to their ability and will try and help them see how any negative situation can have a positive out come. I think it is mostly because I don't like seeing people sad or depressed or unhappy. I don't like seeing them not getting what they want or achieving what they can. But I have recently discovered when it comes to myself...doubt has a tendency to over come me. I probably doubt myself and situations I am in more then I have doubt for others.
I recently was talking with someone and they told me that I am beautiful, have a great love for Jesus, am a great children's minister, and intelligent. These are things every girl wants to hear especially the beautiful part and these are also things that many people have told me before. However even after this person told me this and with all the other people telling me, I can honestly say that it was less then a week when I doubted every single thing.
I remember walking across campus at seminary with my best friend, with me crying because I didn't think I belonged there and that it was the last place I should be. Then, on the day of graduation crying because I had finished, I accomplished something I never thought I would. I honestly don't see myself as a good minister...maybe that is what makes me a good minister. I don't want to sound high and mighty, but I know that this strange calling that have been placed on my life is not one that I ever thought I would be doing. I see myself as just a failure when it comes to following Christ, that I fail everyday in following him. However, I think it is also because I know that I am not perfect and that I fail that I am able to be used. I know that God does not call the equipped he equips the called and I am the total definition of that!
Most recently my doubt has become over bearing when it comes to CrossFit and my goals, I was on such a roll and then my back problem hit and I faltered and stumbled, but was determined to get back up. Then I found myself quitting. I found myself at one point saying I will never get there so whats the point. I will just stick with where I am I can be happy with that, it will work for me. Oh how doubt has poked up its evil head once again.
I know that I could make this a really theological topic and talk about how doubt is from Satan and it is not from the Lord. But theology has never been my strong suit, so I will not go there. What I do know is that Jesus talked about doubt and there are many stories in the Bible about people who did not doubt and miraculous things happen. He even says in Matthew 21 "...if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.'" Oh to have the faith to tell a mountain to throw itself in the sea. I think we all have our mountains, if you are like me you have multiple mountains, some bigger then others. But I challenge you just and at the same time challenge myself have faith...have faith to move a mountain.
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