Grace...grace...God's grace...

I have been struggling lately…probably longer than lately but struggling none the less. You see I was always considered the perfect child. I don’t say that to bash the rest of my family, but you can ask my sisters and they will tell you I have pretty much walked the line since birth. If my mom said jump, I did. I couldn’t and still can’t tell a lie to save my life. The guilt gets to me and even more so after I became a Christian. I also never wanted to fail, I hate the word. I remember when I had planned an outreach event for a church where I was serving and I just wasn’t able to make it happen. I was in tears in my pastor’s office about how I had failed. Also, when I was in seminary, so many times in seminary, when I didn’t do so hot on an assignment, I would be in tears about it. You can ask my roommate, she was there when I broke down over not being able to answer a question in Systemic Theology, here’s looking at you Dr. Putman, it wasn’t you it was all me. You see I have never viewed failure as an option, when I do and have it has been a blow to myself image. I have and still do at times see my self-worth in what I can accomplish, how good I can be.

You know I think it’s funny, because I had a salvation conversation with a kid this past Sunday and I asked if you could be “good enough” to have forgiveness and go to heaven. He responded with no and he’s right there’s not anything we can do to get to heaven or to have salvation beyond giving our lives to Christ and accepting his love and forgiveness. I love teaching the new believer’s class. I especially love teaching the meanings of grace and mercy. I look at these kids and think the worse thing you do right now is disobey your parents or maybe tell a lie and, in their minds, it is the worse sin. But thankfully we have mercy which means we aren’t punished for what we did/do and grace is when we get more than we deserve. I love it because God gives us so much more mercy and grace than we deserve. I think as a kid we get it and we understand it, but then as an adult we have a bigger problem understanding it, because our sins might be a little bit bigger and a little bit more glaring. But also, because we don’t give ourselves grace, mercy or the ability to fail, so we don’t know how God can, but he does and will.

I have to learn to do this, give myself grace and forgiveness. I have to learn to realize I am going to fail, I am going to mess up, but what else to be expected, I am human. I think the big thing is to not go out of my way to mess up, but just as God gives me grace, I have to give myself and others grace. We are all human and those trying to live a life according to how Christ called you to live, it means loving others even when you don’t agree with them. So today I say, give yourself a little grace and love, and also others. I love this quote, it speaks to my heart every time.  

"Family"

I called my grandmother on Thursday night, it had been less than a stellar week and somehow talking to her always can cheer me up. She tells me about the weather, how she can’t go anywhere because her bowels aren’t what they use to be, and how she’s old, but really in good shape even if she can’t see or hear. Many times, I hear the same story over and over again, but you know what I love it. I don’t even have to talk, but she can make me smile. I get to spend and entire week with her at Christmas and I cannot wait!! There just something about that 91-year-old woman. I love my biological family and I know at any moment I could call and they would be there for me. But they are 5 states away, she is 5 states away

The fact is ministry can be a lonely place for many reasons. Most people don’t see this or understand and that’s not what this post is about, but it can be a lonely place. If you’re single it can be even more lonely. Family is far away and if you’ve recently moved close friends are as well. So, when you had a rough week finding someone to just love you, be angry with you, or just spend the day with you can be a little more difficult.

I have truly been blessed though. I have lived in three places since surrendering to ministry and I have been blessed with “family” in all these places and people to do all thee above. I spent Saturday shopping with a dear couple, who knew I didn’t want to sit at home.  Sundays I get to have a homemade family lunch that is AMAZING. I have best friends that no matter what, they’re willing to have my back at a moment’s notice, have an emergency girl’s night, but also call me on my junk. The week of thanksgiving I am beyond excited to be getting to go to South Louisiana. These folks saw me struggle through seminary and were so patient with me while I figured out how to be a children’s minister. They are willing to drive an hour one way to pick me up from the airport, take me back and loan me a car for the week.  I affectionately refer to these folks as my south Louisiana family. And even if they did none of this, I would love them none the less. I get to see my Mississippi at Christmas and catch up with them.

I am not going to lie, sometimes I lose site of those that love and care about me that aren’t necessarily standard family. I lose site, that is, until my car is broken down and a friend loans one, my best friend is ready to cut someone who hurt me, and they allow me to crash a thanksgiving dinner. I am reminded that I am cared and loved by many. This year has been one for the books, but I am beyond thankful for people who God has placed in my life. So, thank you so all those who have become “family,” I am not sure what life would be like without you!!

Chapters

I closed a chapter in my life this past week. It was one of those chapters that I never really intended on writing. Maybe be I am getting ahead of myself. Have you ever began reading a book and you can’t put it down or you begin reading and you put it down because you don’t like the where its headed? I have done both, Redeeming Love, I stayed up until 5 am reading. I was exhausted the next day. The Divergent Series: Allegiant was the opposite, I recall putting the book away for a week because I didn’t want to read what happen. I am such a nerd…

I have always loved this quote:

As I said above, I closed a chapter in my life last week. I have been coaching Crossfit for the last two years. I have loved it, I got to mix two things I love, teaching and Crossfit into every afternoon. I have gotten to know some of my best friends, I would not change that chapter of my life for anything. Would I read it out loud, yeah, would I share with others what I learned absolutely! I found out a lot about myself somethings I liked and some I didn’t. But it’s a chapter in my life, one that if I didn’t have it wouldn’t make me who I am. It’s really bittersweet thing, I will miss teaching, but not coaching will open up new possibilities and free time for me.  

Its funny that this chapter ends as I celebrate three years in South Carolina. Three years, I can’t believe it, this is a chapter God is still writing…but the thing is I hate not knowing, what might happen next. I had my story all written when I was younger. I knew what I wanted and when I wanted it, but oh how things have been so different then the way I saw it. I wanted to get married at 22, have kids and be a teacher. I will be 35 in 4 months, single and working in a church. But I am glad, I am not the same person I was when I was younger. I am glad that I have been able to do the things I have, traveled, the places I’ve lived, the friends I’ve met and work where I work. I am excited to see how God adds to this chapter, the new things and trouble I can get into now that I’m not longer coaching.

I pray that I never have a chapter I can’t read out…I do pray that no matter what’s in each chapter I would learn from it and grow in my trust of the Lord, I challenge you the same…even when you don’t know what’s coming next.

From the Diary of a former kinda sorta fat girl

I have to make a few disclaimers before I start this post:

1. I know one friend when she sees that title I will be getting a call or text. Mostly because we have talked about me calling myself this. Melinda, I remember what you said, but I needed a good attention grabbing title and well its the truth. 
2. I know I have young girls that follow me on Facebook and Instgram. I want you to know  you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God made each of you SO unique and don't let anyone ever let you think that you are not special because you are! This is just my struggle. 

Ok, so I have been wanting to write this post for a bit, but honestly I didn't know how to start it or really what to say in it. Honestly it may end up being a bunch of nonsense, kinda like my college papers before my best friend got her red pen after it, ha. 

So two weekends ago I hit a major weight goal in my life, one I have been striving for since I don't know...maybe this picture, if not before. In case you are wondering that is me in the red circle. 

 This is 14 years ago...14 years.....man....

So year major break through and then Tuesday I broke and when I say I broke, I just fell apart. And unfortunately it was not in the privacy of my own home. It was at my box in front of my coach, who thankfully is a great friend. When he asked what was wrong I simply said "I am always going to be the fat girl or thought of as the fat girl" and I went home. I wish I could shake this feeling, but Satan has my card on this one. He knows how and remind me I'm not the one beating guys off with a stick. That I shouldn't take my tank top off when it gets up working out, no one wants to see that. The girl who is "safe" I'm not going to be the girl that causes problems. So many things go through my head. Then the world reminds me that I don't really fit in either, that unless I am a size 10 and perfectly fit that I don't have a place. I wish this was a happy post, I wish I could say I look in the mirror and love what I see, but I don't always. But I know I am trying...I know that I am healthier then I have ever been. And there are days where I look in the mirror and think, "Man I have come a long way, I still have a ways to go, but I have come a long way."

I think if I could accomplish one thing with this post is please, please encourage those on a journey to get healthy, cheer them on go workout with them. If you have someone in your life struggling with weight issues...please, please be kind. Please don't tell them "You have such a pretty face, if you would just lose a few pounds"  Encourage them to get healthy for their future. In the end, a person has to decide on their own, its a personal decision one I made and have to continue to make daily...

Decisions, decisions..

"I don't like to make life changing decisions."  That is usually my response to the statement: "you decide where to eat." Usually I get a good laugh out of the response, it's just not expected. But I get an even better laugh now. Apparently moving 5 states away from family and friends to a place where you know no one is just that "a life changing decision." Who knew!!  Incase you live under a rock and haven't seen my twenty million "I'm lost" posts I now live in the up-state of South Carolina. 

On my way to Bible study tonight I was thinking about the day I drove into town just two and half short months ago. To be honest it still kinda doesn't feel real, like it's all a dream. Like I don't really live 12 hours from home, I haven't started training at a new gym, I don't have a new group of kids. But I also thought about how they whole time it has just felt right. Don't get this wrong I have had my moments where I questioned God, wondering what his plan could be. I struggled, still struggle and probably will struggle with being away from family and close friends and knowing no one. It's new and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. 

So do I like making life changing decisions....no. Sometimes I wish people could make them for me, but I look back on my life and think about all the life changing decision I've made. Moving away for college, seminary, to Mississippi (another place where I knew no one before moving there), starting CrossFit, and so much more. I think about those decisions and I'm reminded of what a friend told me when I was praying through the South Carolina move, 

"Mandy, God is so much in this I wonder what would happen if you chose not to go?" 

It really kinda hits home, makes you wonder. What life changing decision are you in the mists of making? But more importantly where is God in that decision, for me he was at the center, he was clearly guiding it, which made the move a little bit easier to handle. And has also helped me through those hard moments of utter and complete, "what was I thinking." I know that now I look to see where He is in the decisions I have to make. I don't know what other life changing choices I have coming; but part of me hopes, for a least a short time, they are simply "you decide where to eat lunch."

Goals...or lack there of...

I have been thinking a lot lately about goals, setting and achieving those goals. We have a goal wall at my CrossFit box. We are suppose to put goals on the wall, no matter how big or small just goals you are wanting to accomplish. One of my goals was to move to a 20" box for box jumps, after we accomplished a written goal, we are suppose to mark it off the list and write a new goal out beside it. After my amazing coach helped me I was able to accomplish a 20" box jump and am able to do them in workouts now. So it was marked off the board, with great joy and excitement and a  24" box was written in . I have never been more excited about marking something off a list. 

But as I think about marking that off the list I realized that was maybe the second time I made a goal and marked it off.

You see I never made goals growing up, I just did what was expected of me. Now don't get me wrong I had things that I wanted to accomplish, graduate high school, go to and finish college you know those sort of things. But never did I sit down and say "I want to do this." Here recently that has been more of troublesome fact for me. I have thought about it a lot. Why have I never written down goals, I remember one time in seminary for my class Wellness and the Minister we were required to write down a physical, a emotional/social,  and a spiritual goal.  Other than that I have never written anything down. When I set out to lose weight and get healthy that was all that was on my mind. I had a long term goal, but never something that I wrote down and never small attainable goals. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to have to face the possibility of not achieving that goal, because you see I hate failure. I hate disappointing myself and let alone others. 

However, for some time I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't seen the scale go down, while I thankfully haven't seen it go up too badly. I also find myself saying never...alot. I will never accomplish this, I will never be able to do that and most people know me not as a negative person.  I realize the time has come that I need to write down goals and set out to tackle those goals, So much of CrossFit is setting up goals for yourself, to make yourself better. However, how are you suppose to make yourself better if you don't have things you want to accomplish. When I say this I don't mean just in the fitness area, but in all areas of life. 

So as I finish up this post I am looking at a notebook and a list of goals that I am writing down. Some are small, such as adding yoga into my workout routine and some are big, like running a half marathon. Some are also spiritual, because the its about having a relationship with God and growing closer to Him each day. Each day I will set out to accomplish these goals and thankfully have a great group of people who are going to helping me stay accountable. Now I just have to push through and stay the course and have the overwhelming joy of marking something off my list. Something tells me it is going to be wonderful...you might try it too, we can knock out some goals together!!

Giving up..

I shaved a minute 40 off my one mile this morning. It was something I needed, not 12 hours earlier I was telling a friend I need my body to make some kind of advancement in my workouts. You see the voice that encourages me to "give up" has been alive and well here lately. It's been battling with the "keep going" voice. I've been down this road so many time, I've usually given up by now. Not really sure why I'm still pushing though it. Pushing myself through tough workouts, where sometimes compared to everyone else I look like a beached whale. Sometimes two WODs a day where my legs are still hurting three days later and walking down stairs or a hill may mean face planting. I've determined that it's easier for a person who was in shape to get back into shape, than it is for someone who was never in shape to get into shape. You see at least they know it's possible, they have been there before. All I have ever know is plus sizes clothes, elastic waist bands, and being told I have such a pretty face if I would just lose weight. So this week once again I asked myself why I keep going why haven't I quit.

I keep going because when I was in my early 20s I thought I was having a heart attack, no 20 year should fear that because of their health. I keep going because my knees have hurt less in the past two years than they have since high school. I keep going because I have met some of the most amazing people at CrossFit and competed in a sports competition, something I never thought would happen. I keep going because as someone told me this week about their own personal journey, "I was doing all this stuff for the Lord and serving Him yet I wasn't taking care of His temple." I was like wow, pretty true about myself. I'm still going because while home for Thanksgiving I helped my dad, at the age of 64, put a device on his legs to work the fluid and blood out of his legs after his long day of work. That is not something I want to be doing, I want to be traveling the world on my own two feet. I keep going because honestly I can't go back, it's just not an option. Because when I think about going back...I become sad and think of how far I've come. Not just how far physically, but emotionally and spiritually and in life. And because if I can be remembered for anything other than being a follower of Christ I would like it to be that I inspired someone, inspired someone else not to give up.