Easy like Easy Mac...

So when I was a kid Mac and Cheese was my favorites. No matter what when my mom cooked it I was so excited. Well with this whole new life style (cause that's what your suppose to call dieting) I don't get it much. But every now and then I cheat and make some, sometimes you just have to have that old comfort food! 

The fact is when you are over weight for the majority of your life even when you lose weight...even a lot of weight it's hard to see yourself that way.(Or at least it is for me) I have lost 45 lbs since January 4th and I'm not sure how many inches cause I didn't measure myself. All I really have to go on is pictures and clothes. I can see changes, but even with all this I still 80% of the time don't see the change. I still think of myself as that extremely overweight person who used my jokes, volume, and self deprecating humor to get me through the day. 

(This is a constant reminder)

One movie that I like to watch when it comes on is "League of their Own". Well there is a line toward the end of that movie where Jimmy Dugan tells Dottie Henson "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." I think that if you ask anyone that has ever tried to change they way they were living they will say it is hard. You fall back into old habits. Sometimes its easier to do what you used to. Its familiar it its comfortable, but that does not mean its better. I don't say this just in regards to losing weight...I'm saying anything that requires a change in the way you did things. 

Last weekend I slipped back into my old habits big time...I'm talking junk food...no exercising the whole deal! To be perfectly honest I had not felt that bad in months. I felt horrible..and just wanted to throw-up and stay in bed. If you ask me now (and your reading this so you might want to know) what is hard...hard is going back to the way things once were. Hard is going back to limited stores that I could shop. Hard is going back to being exhausted all the time. Hard is not wanting to be seen or acknowledged in a crowd. Knowing what I know now..hard is going back. Don't get me wrong I know I have a long way to go and that by no means is it going to be easy, but I know it is going to be easier then it has been and how the past was. I hope that Dottie's words "It just got too hard" come out of my mouth and I hope you can have that same attitude too! 

Stumbling blocks and fear

So I spent most the time from 9:30 am till 1:00 pm crying. We're talking the big crocodile tears...ones that leave marks on your shirt. Not ugly face crying just sadness. These tears are not because I found out today that my pelvis is 7-9 mm lower in the left than the right or that I have arthritis in my lower back or that I have a sway in my back that is a good 10 degrees off than what is normal. All these things are fixable and hopefully will be much better after 6 weeks of care. 

No the reason I was crying these crocodile tears that I see so many of my preschoolers cry is because of fear. Because with these health problems come the requirement that I scale (to a high degree) everything at CrossFit. You see it started almost three weeks ago with some muscle pain. I didn't think much of it and continued when it didn't get better I tried a massage. Thankfully I saw improvement for a day or two, but when it came time to workout again all the pain was back. So I took myself to the chiropractor and after this morning's visit the above mentioned are the results. It seems that my muscles on the right side are working extra hard to pull up the left pelvis to no avail, hence some of the pain. Most people would be so worried about this diagnosis and what came next and don't get me wrong I have my concerns, but they all tie into fear. 


Fear that it won't get better and ever getting back to my full capacity at CrossFit will never happen. 


Fear that I have damaged my body beyond repair because of my horrible habits in the past.


Fear that this will push me to quit. (I have already been close a couple of times today) 


Fear of gaining all 45 lbs I have lost and then some back. 


Fear of not being able to get past this point and not achieving my finial goal. 


Fear that I'm going to let this stumbling block stop me completely.

Even I write this though there is a still small voice telling me I have this. Even if I feel like it is pointless for me to still go to CrossFit because I'm not even close to being able to do the full WOD. Even if I can't run (cause I can't). Even if I can't lift the weight I'm used to (cause I can't). As I have thought and cried that voice tells me I will over come this. It was Elijah that heard the still small voice of God in the wind. I'm no Elijah and there is it a crazy person after me. But I know that if I'm going to make it through the next six weeks (maybe more) of sticking to my goals and staying on track drawing my strength from God is the only way it's going to be possible. But that doesn't mean that there won't be more tears along the way...

This situation is not life threatening...I have been told I will get back to my old CrossFit self one day (sooner rather than later I hope). But in the mean time I guess I will really have to watch my eating and if anyone wants to go for a walk...just give me a call. 

I think I need to go download Mandisa's 'Overcomer' something tells me it my come in handy soon...

Deja vu

Well recently someone told me that I should be blogging…my response “I have a blog I just don’t use it.” Well I have decided to use it again. That being said here we go!

How many times have you found yourself in the same place you have been before? Doing the same thing you always do? Or making the same mistakes you swore you would never make? I think we have all been there…if you haven’t congratulations and can I please have your secret because you could totally market that junk!

Well I am here to say I have done this numerous times and I am at that point once again, but first a little back ground. I have struggled with weight my whole life….I wish had been one of those people who was a fit kid & it just got away from me but that wasn’t the case. As you can see I was always a cubby child. (Please note the denim on denim) Well cubby childhood morphed into overweight teenager. (Senior prom)

I wish I could tell you that there was some deep seeded reason I was so big, but after a lot of self-reflection I realized…I just really like food. I could never be bulimic or anorexic because I love food too much and please know I know those are serious struggles. Well my weight went up and down over the years and then three years ago I reached this point (second from left):

But the final year of seminary and trying to determine what God had next for me…I gained it all back and probably then some. And started a journey yet again and here I am again at a point I have been at many times before and hitting a plateu that I know all too well….

But this time I plan to look at this stage and punch it in the face! I am determined to look forward and see what I can accomplish with more hard work and dedication. I know it is going to be hard work and effort and I know I will stumble at times, but I have no doubt that with the Lord’s help I can press forward.

So this is a challenge to all you who have actually taken time to read this long blog. When you come to that point of giving up and throwing in the towel with whatever it is you are facing, don’t look back keep pressing forward chances are its much better then where you have been because when I look back I am amazed at the changes I have seen and it pushes me forward…toward better and greater things that God has planned for my future…cause I have no desire to go back...

                                                 December 2012-------August 2013