Giving up..

I shaved a minute 40 off my one mile this morning. It was something I needed, not 12 hours earlier I was telling a friend I need my body to make some kind of advancement in my workouts. You see the voice that encourages me to "give up" has been alive and well here lately. It's been battling with the "keep going" voice. I've been down this road so many time, I've usually given up by now. Not really sure why I'm still pushing though it. Pushing myself through tough workouts, where sometimes compared to everyone else I look like a beached whale. Sometimes two WODs a day where my legs are still hurting three days later and walking down stairs or a hill may mean face planting. I've determined that it's easier for a person who was in shape to get back into shape, than it is for someone who was never in shape to get into shape. You see at least they know it's possible, they have been there before. All I have ever know is plus sizes clothes, elastic waist bands, and being told I have such a pretty face if I would just lose weight. So this week once again I asked myself why I keep going why haven't I quit.

I keep going because when I was in my early 20s I thought I was having a heart attack, no 20 year should fear that because of their health. I keep going because my knees have hurt less in the past two years than they have since high school. I keep going because I have met some of the most amazing people at CrossFit and competed in a sports competition, something I never thought would happen. I keep going because as someone told me this week about their own personal journey, "I was doing all this stuff for the Lord and serving Him yet I wasn't taking care of His temple." I was like wow, pretty true about myself. I'm still going because while home for Thanksgiving I helped my dad, at the age of 64, put a device on his legs to work the fluid and blood out of his legs after his long day of work. That is not something I want to be doing, I want to be traveling the world on my own two feet. I keep going because honestly I can't go back, it's just not an option. Because when I think about going back...I become sad and think of how far I've come. Not just how far physically, but emotionally and spiritually and in life. And because if I can be remembered for anything other than being a follower of Christ I would like it to be that I inspired someone, inspired someone else not to give up. 

#itsagoodhurt

I'll never forget it. It was my second or third time to workout at my new CrossFit box, by this time I'd been in CrossFit for two months. I walked up to my coach, Adam, 

Me:"Is it suppose to hurt right here?" 

Adam: "Yep." 

Me: "Ok just making sure, cause it hurts really bad."
Adam: "No it hurts really good." 

I will probably remember this conversation for all time; with it a hashtag was born:#itsagoodhurt.

 

I have been waiting to write this post for a while. I have been adding to it and taking away from it. You may ask why I have been waiting. Well the fact is that I was waiting for my one year annversity of starting CrossFit. That one year anniversary was this week. You see I never in a million years thought I would be doing something like this, I guess I should start at the beginning. 

You see I went out on a limb and bought this GroupOn a year ago. I was looking for something new to add to my workout routine and thought this would be good for the summer. I went to my first class scared to death. I kinda knew what to expect, but was trying to be open. Well after lots of running, sweating, near vomiting and realizing I was going to have to get cooler workout clothes I was all done. Oh the next day though and the day after that, it hurt to do everything. I never thought I would look more forward to walking up a hill whether than down. Finally I went back after 2 days, more running, almost crying this time, but I made it. I continued going and slowly as time went in I increased my number of days I went.

I was reaching the end of my GroupOn and realized I had a decision to make. Was I going to continue doing CrossFit or was I going to go back to running on a treadmill and the elliptical. Well, the fact was I was addicted! I mean check you the picture below: 

Beginning of it all, before CrossFit, after I started CrossFit 

So that was when I decided to join CrossFit Clinton, which was when the above covo happened. Now there is a lot of debate on of CrossFit is safe or not. And I am not making this one of those post. I will say this. I have become stronger, have more speed and endurance, and have become more confident since staring CrossFit. Don't get me wrong I have had problems. But none of them were caused by CrossFit, you can go here to read about my back problems. 

There are time when I think what in the world am I doing here?! I don't belong here, I'm slower than everyone. These coaches don't need to waste their time with me. But those are my own personal struggles and problems. The fact is I am blessed to be apart of a box that is amazing. Where the coaches care about you and your health and your ability. They care when you are gone and if you get hurt. They will work around any injury to help you not lose ground and they will cheer you on the whole time. If I ever move somewhere else, it will be hard to find another place like it. 

There is one thing I would say to all the nae sayers out there, don't knock it till you try it. If you have tried it and didn't like it chances are you were at a bad box. If you tried it and hurt the next day and don't like that feeling, "well suck it up buttercup" because you are working muscles that may have never been worked. It will get easier, then you must push yourself to the next level. Because that's what you have to do to get where you want to be, push, try, go because last I checked sitting on the couch got me no where!! 

Cookies out of Chickpeas

Today I made chocolate chip cookies out of chickpeas, yes you read that right chickpeas. I also own a jar of coconut oil. These are two things that I never imagined I would be using. I mean lets be honest, I didn't even know there was such a thing as coconut oil and chickpeas....I just thought that was just for hummus. But there I stood in the kitchen with my food processor grounding up chickpeas. I will say they turned out pretty good.

You see I started this new adventure two weeks ago called clean eating. Well, cleanish eating, because you see I don't know if I will never totally be off processed food. This is not only an adventure in cleaner eating this is also an adventure in cooking period. See I don't cook, I bake.Cooking meals has ever been my area. I don't know if it is because I am just lazy or if I feel like there are only so many things a single girl can cook without having to feast on it for 20 days. But I just never really cooked. But two Sundays ago, I went to Starbucks, considering it my "last meal", sat down with my computer,  notebook and began looking for new clean recipes. I found a few, made my list and was ready to go. So far I have done pretty well I have made meat loaf, Jambalaya, Stuffed Bell peppers, and this week I will make clean eating crock pot Mexican Chili Mac, I am really excited about that one.

Why am I doing all this you may ask or not. Well most of you if you have read my previous post know that I have struggled with my weight my whole life. What you probably don't know is that I was on cholesterol medicine when I was in high school and college, my knee creak and hurt like that of someone much older than me, and I have lower back problems to which my weight has contributed.  I have recently posted picture of myself showing what I have done so far. I am super proud of those pictures and will continue posting as until I get to where I want to be. But the one thing I hope that people will understand though all this is that I am doing what I am doing because I want to be everything God wants me to be. I'm a minister and a southern Baptist minister at that, we eat....a lot. But I also know that I will never be able to keep up with kids that I minister to if I don't take care of myself. . I also want them to see that we have to take care of our bodies...I mean you can't get more blunt than this.

One day in the future I desire to get married and have a child, my weight will play a factor. So the way I see it I am just taking steps now to ensure my future both in my personal life and also in my ability as a minister.

If during this process I drop dress sizes and get muscles in places where there used to be flab, that is awesome! But I know that most importantly I will be taking care of what God gave me and wants me to use for his glory! 

The whys have it...

I'm a why person, I don't really know why but I am. I want to always know the reason behind things. Even small things, I will even sometimes ask why something happened the way it did in a movie. I don't remember being this way as a child, I am not really sure when this habit or need started. I know that working with kids "why" is the question that gets asked all the time. I have even found myself telling kids "because I said so" something I never thought I would say. Maybe since I was not overly questiontative as a child I am trying to make up for lost time.

Earlier this week I was preparing a lesson for kids and trying to put my thoughts together on something that I read. I kept re-reading it, trying to make heads or tails of why something happened the way it did. I think it is an ever present question that exist in life sometimes. I know I have my fair share of whys:

• Why did God call a girl to ministry who always feels completely inadequate. 
• Why did God move me to a place where I knew absolutely no one..well this one I know the answer. He wanted and wants me to trust him with every factor of my life. 
• Why did God tell Balaam to go with Balak and then get made when he did...this one was from our lesson. 
• Why can't I be as crafty and able to do all the things on my Pinterest board. 

I am sure that I could fill up pages with they "whys" that pop into my head on a regular basis. I am sure every one else has "whys" that they ask on a regular basis too. There are deeper "whys" in my head, like why did my biological father die...that one one is always followed with, what would life be like if he hadn't. Why did God send his Son to die when on a daily basis we see how much of a sinful people we are. So many whys. But the one thing that I always come back to is that I was just not meant to know the answer to everything. Some may say its because it may be too much for any one person to handle. It may be that I would not like the answer. So many different choices to pick from. There are two verse that pop into my head each time I get to asking my questions...

The fact is that I will never know "why" some things happen as they do, but I can put my trust in God who knows far more and better then I ever will.

That epic love story...

So I don’t know if you know this, but on iTunes there is a station called Frozen radio and it has all this music from Disney and Pixar movies. So for the past few weeks I have been jamming out to that when getting ready in the morning. Now before you judge, you know that you have belted out to some “Hakuna Matata” or “Part of your World.” Anyway recently I was listening to the station when the song that is from the intro to the movie ‘Up’ played, if you haven’t seen it here check it out….

Ok, so if you are like me you cried…I mean how could you not! I love this...

I have to say I kind of agree, while everything in Ellie and Carl’s life didn't go exactly as planned it was a pretty epic love story. Speaking of love stories as I write this I am watching the story of Ruth, talk about another love story. Just thought I would give you a little added info. But back to my original reason for writing, I blame Disney for a lot of things, my hair expectations, wanting woodland creatures to appear and clean when I sing, and how could we not mention “prince charming.” I mean we can really blame Disney for a good bit, doesn’t mean I don’t love to watch the movies or would love to go to the park again, it’s just fact.  

But back to prince charming….I think all us girls have that idea in mind of who, when, and how we expect for our “prince charming” or “Carl” to show up. We wait and pray and look forward to the day that someone will accept us for who we are and love us. We dream of setting up house, having dinner cooked at night, talking over a meal, and watching a movie. I look for someone who will lead our family to be strong followers of Christ to serve in ministry with all those things that couples do together. But I think sometimes we miss the point, we do have someone that loves us without limits, really loves us more than our “prince charming” or “Carl” will…

Who is this person you might ask…um…Jesus. I know it sounds a little cliché or like something a minister or Christian would say, but it is true. I mean come on the man died on a cross, so that we would have a chance at eternal life when it was the last thing we deserved. He makes a way for us to have a relationship with God the Father, who loved us enough to send his son. I on a daily basis ask myself why he would do this but the simple fact is…God loves us, more then I think we can ever fathom.

I do look for the day and pray for the I will meet my “prince charming” or my “Carl.” That man, who will put up with my overwhelming number of corny jokes, can deal with my sometimes quite ditzy moments, my love for history and reading, who can handle my fear of the uncertainty and subsequent need to control a situation. I also want to give him just as much if not more of what he needs. So I will wait, but while I wait I will remember that I am loved with a love that I don’t think will ever make sense to me…

My Third "job"

So I know what you are thinking, “Mandy you only have one job, what is the third job talk?” Well let me say I have two jobs in one I’m a children’s minister and then I am a preschool director two very different jobs, even though they both involve children and families. One I am more of the fun Mandy and the other I have to be more serious many or as the kids call me “The Principle.” Now this third job it’s not paying, I wish it was because man I would make a killing with it! I wish I didn't have it because it is really annoying. I wish with everything I had I could get rid of it, but alas I have yet to get rid of it. What is this bothersome third “job” you might ask (or might not)…over thinking or over analyzing.

Now before you tell me that’s not really a job let me just list some of the things that go on with this “job.” It is a constant thing; it’s something that I do every day. I don’t want to say all day, but a good portion of the day. Usually it wears me out, you see because I don’t just over think or analyze one thing. You see I will come to a conclusion or end point of wondering about one thing or an issue and thing praise the Lord! Then give me time and something comes up with the “solution” or outcome that I ended up with. I wish I could say that this is a good thing, which it helps me to have everything figured out. However, it doesn't, it usually just causes me more problems than I already have. So many times I find myself saying this:

My favorite verses are Matthew 6:25-27, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” It is when I remember this verse that I am reminded over thinking or over analyzing is really worrying. I have a commentary and it says this about this about verse 27: “Worry about the future is not only a dishonor to God—it is also futile. The Lord demonstrates this with a question “Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?” A short person cannot worry himself eighteen inches taller. Yet relatively speaking, it would be far easier to perform this feat than to worry into existence all the provisions of one’s future needs.” The thing is I don’t have to worry that God does not know what my dreams and desires are he does and I have to remember that and trust that he has got everything under control.  I can’t imagine how much of my life or hours I have wasted by thinking how I might have done things differently, how this or that situation might have turned out differently had I chosen another way of doing things. I want to live life, am I going to get hurt, am I going to make mistakes…absolutely! But I don’t think God meant for us to be so worry or think too much about what could go wrong. Jesus said in John 10:10:

Today I had that moment of pure peace…oh that moment was wonderful! Where I just threw my hands in the air and said Lord I don’t know any more I don’t want to care or worry I want to just trust you that you have a plan and that my analyzing does nothing, but add stress to my life and gray to my hair. I think I am going to try and have more moments like that, because so far all “over thinking” has done is cause me unneeded stress. And has caused me to dishonor God as well…maybe you can jump on the band wagon with me!

Expectations and heart break

I hate being a girl sometimes. There are the obvious reasons, having to shave your legs, the prep time for going out, and the overwhelming pressure of society. It just isn't all fun and games, especially when it comes to games of the heart. I am kinda dealing with a slightly fractured one at the moment. I got to be on the receiving end of the "We will just be friends" talk this weekend. Now I have given this speech before to guys, but have never been on the receiving end of it. While I didn't like it, in fact I hated every second of it, I do have more respect for the guy for doing it. Because you see in the past I have just been left hanging wondering what on earth I did wrong for the guy I liked not to like me. And as much as last night sucked, I at least am not left wondering. Part of me wishes I could be mad at him, angry because he is dating someone else, mad because he said something mean...something. But I have nothing. all he did was sing my praises, tell me I am an amazing girl, will make an amazing wife and mother, but it was not going to be with him. He wants to be friends, its what I want to, but I know its something that will take time. Before, I can simply text or call him without wondering....maybe. I think deep down I knew that it was going to happen, but I had in mind what I wanted and was not going to change my mind.  Last night I was blessed to have a friend come over and bring pizza and ice cream. She just let me cry and complain helped me talk through it, watched "Pitch Perfect" (how can you not laugh at that). Oh to be blessed with great friends is awesome. But through it all I kept thinking, "Did I set my expectation too high?" "Did I expect more than was fair?" He and and I had both agree that we would see where this went and we would be open and honest about everything, but in it all did I take it to the immediate expectation of more. Maybe I did, that is something that I have to figure out.

One thing that I have learned yet again through this and something that I am learning all the time is my expectation do not always line with God. We can pray and hope and scheme and make ourselves believe that we can get what we want. But in the end we will either end up unhappy because we chose our way instead of His or we spending a night crying, eating pizza, and ice cream because God had break our heart and bring us back to him and his plan. So much can come from living for our own expectation, some of it can be great especially if your expectation line up with God. But oh if they don't, heart ache can result, and maybe not even heart ache for just you. We, and I mean me too, have to always make sure that we are aligning up what with God. I have no doubt that when they do great things will happen and if we are following him he will give us the desire of our heart, because our desires are his desires. I don't regret the past four month and oh I hope that me and this guy can be friends. He is a great Christian guy and he actually manned up and was honest instead of sinking back into the shadows to leave me wondering. But, I know it might be a while before I can simply text and say "How how are you?" and have a simple friendly conversation and not have expectations for more.

That's the hard part knowing he things that I am this great girl, we have a blast together, but he and I just aren't going to be together. I think that is the biggest thing I am struggling with is why? But I guess we don't always get a answer to the whys in life. God doesn't always give us a why he just says trust me.....

Mountains...a five letter word

D-O-U-B-T

Oh how those five little letters can be so harmful, oh how those can be so crippling. I have always considered myself a positive person. I will encourage someone to try and achieve the best to their ability and will try and help them see how any negative situation can have a positive out come. I think it is mostly because I don't like seeing people sad or depressed or unhappy. I don't like seeing them not getting what they want or achieving what they can. But I have recently discovered when it comes to myself...doubt has a tendency to over come me. I probably doubt myself and situations I am in more then I have doubt for others.

I recently was talking with someone and they told me that I am beautiful, have a great love for Jesus, am a great children's minister, and intelligent. These are things every girl wants to hear especially the beautiful part and these are also things that many people have told me before.  However even after this person told me this and with all the other people telling me, I can honestly say that it was less then a week when I doubted every single thing. 

I remember walking across campus at seminary with my best friend, with me crying because I didn't think I belonged there and that it was the last place I should be. Then, on the day of graduation crying because I had finished, I accomplished something I never thought I would. I honestly don't see myself as a good minister...maybe that is what makes me a good minister. I don't want to sound high and mighty, but I know that this strange calling that have been placed on my life is not one that I ever thought I would be doing. I see myself as just a failure when it comes to following Christ, that I fail everyday in following him. However, I think it is also because I know that I am not perfect and that I fail that I am able to be used. I know that God does not call the equipped he equips the called and I am the total definition of that! 

Most recently my doubt has become over bearing when it comes to CrossFit and my goals, I was on such a roll and then my back problem hit and I faltered and stumbled, but was determined to get back up. Then I found myself quitting. I found myself at one point saying I will never get there so whats the point. I will just stick with where I am I can be happy with that, it will work for me. Oh how doubt has poked up its evil head once again. 

I know that I could make this a really theological topic and talk about how doubt is from Satan and it is not from the Lord. But theology has never been my strong suit, so I will not go there. What I do know is that Jesus talked about doubt and there are many stories in the Bible about people who did not doubt and miraculous things happen. He even says in Matthew 21 "...if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.'" Oh to have the faith to tell a mountain to throw itself in the sea. I think we all have our mountains, if you are like me you have multiple mountains, some bigger then others. But I challenge you just and at the same time challenge myself have faith...have faith to move a mountain.