Grace...grace...God's grace...

I have been struggling lately…probably longer than lately but struggling none the less. You see I was always considered the perfect child. I don’t say that to bash the rest of my family, but you can ask my sisters and they will tell you I have pretty much walked the line since birth. If my mom said jump, I did. I couldn’t and still can’t tell a lie to save my life. The guilt gets to me and even more so after I became a Christian. I also never wanted to fail, I hate the word. I remember when I had planned an outreach event for a church where I was serving and I just wasn’t able to make it happen. I was in tears in my pastor’s office about how I had failed. Also, when I was in seminary, so many times in seminary, when I didn’t do so hot on an assignment, I would be in tears about it. You can ask my roommate, she was there when I broke down over not being able to answer a question in Systemic Theology, here’s looking at you Dr. Putman, it wasn’t you it was all me. You see I have never viewed failure as an option, when I do and have it has been a blow to myself image. I have and still do at times see my self-worth in what I can accomplish, how good I can be.

You know I think it’s funny, because I had a salvation conversation with a kid this past Sunday and I asked if you could be “good enough” to have forgiveness and go to heaven. He responded with no and he’s right there’s not anything we can do to get to heaven or to have salvation beyond giving our lives to Christ and accepting his love and forgiveness. I love teaching the new believer’s class. I especially love teaching the meanings of grace and mercy. I look at these kids and think the worse thing you do right now is disobey your parents or maybe tell a lie and, in their minds, it is the worse sin. But thankfully we have mercy which means we aren’t punished for what we did/do and grace is when we get more than we deserve. I love it because God gives us so much more mercy and grace than we deserve. I think as a kid we get it and we understand it, but then as an adult we have a bigger problem understanding it, because our sins might be a little bit bigger and a little bit more glaring. But also, because we don’t give ourselves grace, mercy or the ability to fail, so we don’t know how God can, but he does and will.

I have to learn to do this, give myself grace and forgiveness. I have to learn to realize I am going to fail, I am going to mess up, but what else to be expected, I am human. I think the big thing is to not go out of my way to mess up, but just as God gives me grace, I have to give myself and others grace. We are all human and those trying to live a life according to how Christ called you to live, it means loving others even when you don’t agree with them. So today I say, give yourself a little grace and love, and also others. I love this quote, it speaks to my heart every time.  

"Family"

I called my grandmother on Thursday night, it had been less than a stellar week and somehow talking to her always can cheer me up. She tells me about the weather, how she can’t go anywhere because her bowels aren’t what they use to be, and how she’s old, but really in good shape even if she can’t see or hear. Many times, I hear the same story over and over again, but you know what I love it. I don’t even have to talk, but she can make me smile. I get to spend and entire week with her at Christmas and I cannot wait!! There just something about that 91-year-old woman. I love my biological family and I know at any moment I could call and they would be there for me. But they are 5 states away, she is 5 states away

The fact is ministry can be a lonely place for many reasons. Most people don’t see this or understand and that’s not what this post is about, but it can be a lonely place. If you’re single it can be even more lonely. Family is far away and if you’ve recently moved close friends are as well. So, when you had a rough week finding someone to just love you, be angry with you, or just spend the day with you can be a little more difficult.

I have truly been blessed though. I have lived in three places since surrendering to ministry and I have been blessed with “family” in all these places and people to do all thee above. I spent Saturday shopping with a dear couple, who knew I didn’t want to sit at home.  Sundays I get to have a homemade family lunch that is AMAZING. I have best friends that no matter what, they’re willing to have my back at a moment’s notice, have an emergency girl’s night, but also call me on my junk. The week of thanksgiving I am beyond excited to be getting to go to South Louisiana. These folks saw me struggle through seminary and were so patient with me while I figured out how to be a children’s minister. They are willing to drive an hour one way to pick me up from the airport, take me back and loan me a car for the week.  I affectionately refer to these folks as my south Louisiana family. And even if they did none of this, I would love them none the less. I get to see my Mississippi at Christmas and catch up with them.

I am not going to lie, sometimes I lose site of those that love and care about me that aren’t necessarily standard family. I lose site, that is, until my car is broken down and a friend loans one, my best friend is ready to cut someone who hurt me, and they allow me to crash a thanksgiving dinner. I am reminded that I am cared and loved by many. This year has been one for the books, but I am beyond thankful for people who God has placed in my life. So, thank you so all those who have become “family,” I am not sure what life would be like without you!!

Chapters

I closed a chapter in my life this past week. It was one of those chapters that I never really intended on writing. Maybe be I am getting ahead of myself. Have you ever began reading a book and you can’t put it down or you begin reading and you put it down because you don’t like the where its headed? I have done both, Redeeming Love, I stayed up until 5 am reading. I was exhausted the next day. The Divergent Series: Allegiant was the opposite, I recall putting the book away for a week because I didn’t want to read what happen. I am such a nerd…

I have always loved this quote:

As I said above, I closed a chapter in my life last week. I have been coaching Crossfit for the last two years. I have loved it, I got to mix two things I love, teaching and Crossfit into every afternoon. I have gotten to know some of my best friends, I would not change that chapter of my life for anything. Would I read it out loud, yeah, would I share with others what I learned absolutely! I found out a lot about myself somethings I liked and some I didn’t. But it’s a chapter in my life, one that if I didn’t have it wouldn’t make me who I am. It’s really bittersweet thing, I will miss teaching, but not coaching will open up new possibilities and free time for me.  

Its funny that this chapter ends as I celebrate three years in South Carolina. Three years, I can’t believe it, this is a chapter God is still writing…but the thing is I hate not knowing, what might happen next. I had my story all written when I was younger. I knew what I wanted and when I wanted it, but oh how things have been so different then the way I saw it. I wanted to get married at 22, have kids and be a teacher. I will be 35 in 4 months, single and working in a church. But I am glad, I am not the same person I was when I was younger. I am glad that I have been able to do the things I have, traveled, the places I’ve lived, the friends I’ve met and work where I work. I am excited to see how God adds to this chapter, the new things and trouble I can get into now that I’m not longer coaching.

I pray that I never have a chapter I can’t read out…I do pray that no matter what’s in each chapter I would learn from it and grow in my trust of the Lord, I challenge you the same…even when you don’t know what’s coming next.