From the Diary of a former kinda sorta fat girl

I have to make a few disclaimers before I start this post:

1. I know one friend when she sees that title I will be getting a call or text. Mostly because we have talked about me calling myself this. Melinda, I remember what you said, but I needed a good attention grabbing title and well its the truth. 
2. I know I have young girls that follow me on Facebook and Instgram. I want you to know  you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God made each of you SO unique and don't let anyone ever let you think that you are not special because you are! This is just my struggle. 

Ok, so I have been wanting to write this post for a bit, but honestly I didn't know how to start it or really what to say in it. Honestly it may end up being a bunch of nonsense, kinda like my college papers before my best friend got her red pen after it, ha. 

So two weekends ago I hit a major weight goal in my life, one I have been striving for since I don't know...maybe this picture, if not before. In case you are wondering that is me in the red circle. 

 This is 14 years ago...14 years.....man....

So year major break through and then Tuesday I broke and when I say I broke, I just fell apart. And unfortunately it was not in the privacy of my own home. It was at my box in front of my coach, who thankfully is a great friend. When he asked what was wrong I simply said "I am always going to be the fat girl or thought of as the fat girl" and I went home. I wish I could shake this feeling, but Satan has my card on this one. He knows how and remind me I'm not the one beating guys off with a stick. That I shouldn't take my tank top off when it gets up working out, no one wants to see that. The girl who is "safe" I'm not going to be the girl that causes problems. So many things go through my head. Then the world reminds me that I don't really fit in either, that unless I am a size 10 and perfectly fit that I don't have a place. I wish this was a happy post, I wish I could say I look in the mirror and love what I see, but I don't always. But I know I am trying...I know that I am healthier then I have ever been. And there are days where I look in the mirror and think, "Man I have come a long way, I still have a ways to go, but I have come a long way."

I think if I could accomplish one thing with this post is please, please encourage those on a journey to get healthy, cheer them on go workout with them. If you have someone in your life struggling with weight issues...please, please be kind. Please don't tell them "You have such a pretty face, if you would just lose a few pounds"  Encourage them to get healthy for their future. In the end, a person has to decide on their own, its a personal decision one I made and have to continue to make daily...

Decisions, decisions..

"I don't like to make life changing decisions."  That is usually my response to the statement: "you decide where to eat." Usually I get a good laugh out of the response, it's just not expected. But I get an even better laugh now. Apparently moving 5 states away from family and friends to a place where you know no one is just that "a life changing decision." Who knew!!  Incase you live under a rock and haven't seen my twenty million "I'm lost" posts I now live in the up-state of South Carolina. 

On my way to Bible study tonight I was thinking about the day I drove into town just two and half short months ago. To be honest it still kinda doesn't feel real, like it's all a dream. Like I don't really live 12 hours from home, I haven't started training at a new gym, I don't have a new group of kids. But I also thought about how they whole time it has just felt right. Don't get this wrong I have had my moments where I questioned God, wondering what his plan could be. I struggled, still struggle and probably will struggle with being away from family and close friends and knowing no one. It's new and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. 

So do I like making life changing decisions....no. Sometimes I wish people could make them for me, but I look back on my life and think about all the life changing decision I've made. Moving away for college, seminary, to Mississippi (another place where I knew no one before moving there), starting CrossFit, and so much more. I think about those decisions and I'm reminded of what a friend told me when I was praying through the South Carolina move, 

"Mandy, God is so much in this I wonder what would happen if you chose not to go?" 

It really kinda hits home, makes you wonder. What life changing decision are you in the mists of making? But more importantly where is God in that decision, for me he was at the center, he was clearly guiding it, which made the move a little bit easier to handle. And has also helped me through those hard moments of utter and complete, "what was I thinking." I know that now I look to see where He is in the decisions I have to make. I don't know what other life changing choices I have coming; but part of me hopes, for a least a short time, they are simply "you decide where to eat lunch."