Grace...grace...God's grace...

I have been struggling lately…probably longer than lately but struggling none the less. You see I was always considered the perfect child. I don’t say that to bash the rest of my family, but you can ask my sisters and they will tell you I have pretty much walked the line since birth. If my mom said jump, I did. I couldn’t and still can’t tell a lie to save my life. The guilt gets to me and even more so after I became a Christian. I also never wanted to fail, I hate the word. I remember when I had planned an outreach event for a church where I was serving and I just wasn’t able to make it happen. I was in tears in my pastor’s office about how I had failed. Also, when I was in seminary, so many times in seminary, when I didn’t do so hot on an assignment, I would be in tears about it. You can ask my roommate, she was there when I broke down over not being able to answer a question in Systemic Theology, here’s looking at you Dr. Putman, it wasn’t you it was all me. You see I have never viewed failure as an option, when I do and have it has been a blow to myself image. I have and still do at times see my self-worth in what I can accomplish, how good I can be.

You know I think it’s funny, because I had a salvation conversation with a kid this past Sunday and I asked if you could be “good enough” to have forgiveness and go to heaven. He responded with no and he’s right there’s not anything we can do to get to heaven or to have salvation beyond giving our lives to Christ and accepting his love and forgiveness. I love teaching the new believer’s class. I especially love teaching the meanings of grace and mercy. I look at these kids and think the worse thing you do right now is disobey your parents or maybe tell a lie and, in their minds, it is the worse sin. But thankfully we have mercy which means we aren’t punished for what we did/do and grace is when we get more than we deserve. I love it because God gives us so much more mercy and grace than we deserve. I think as a kid we get it and we understand it, but then as an adult we have a bigger problem understanding it, because our sins might be a little bit bigger and a little bit more glaring. But also, because we don’t give ourselves grace, mercy or the ability to fail, so we don’t know how God can, but he does and will.

I have to learn to do this, give myself grace and forgiveness. I have to learn to realize I am going to fail, I am going to mess up, but what else to be expected, I am human. I think the big thing is to not go out of my way to mess up, but just as God gives me grace, I have to give myself and others grace. We are all human and those trying to live a life according to how Christ called you to live, it means loving others even when you don’t agree with them. So today I say, give yourself a little grace and love, and also others. I love this quote, it speaks to my heart every time.  

"Family"

I called my grandmother on Thursday night, it had been less than a stellar week and somehow talking to her always can cheer me up. She tells me about the weather, how she can’t go anywhere because her bowels aren’t what they use to be, and how she’s old, but really in good shape even if she can’t see or hear. Many times, I hear the same story over and over again, but you know what I love it. I don’t even have to talk, but she can make me smile. I get to spend and entire week with her at Christmas and I cannot wait!! There just something about that 91-year-old woman. I love my biological family and I know at any moment I could call and they would be there for me. But they are 5 states away, she is 5 states away

The fact is ministry can be a lonely place for many reasons. Most people don’t see this or understand and that’s not what this post is about, but it can be a lonely place. If you’re single it can be even more lonely. Family is far away and if you’ve recently moved close friends are as well. So, when you had a rough week finding someone to just love you, be angry with you, or just spend the day with you can be a little more difficult.

I have truly been blessed though. I have lived in three places since surrendering to ministry and I have been blessed with “family” in all these places and people to do all thee above. I spent Saturday shopping with a dear couple, who knew I didn’t want to sit at home.  Sundays I get to have a homemade family lunch that is AMAZING. I have best friends that no matter what, they’re willing to have my back at a moment’s notice, have an emergency girl’s night, but also call me on my junk. The week of thanksgiving I am beyond excited to be getting to go to South Louisiana. These folks saw me struggle through seminary and were so patient with me while I figured out how to be a children’s minister. They are willing to drive an hour one way to pick me up from the airport, take me back and loan me a car for the week.  I affectionately refer to these folks as my south Louisiana family. And even if they did none of this, I would love them none the less. I get to see my Mississippi at Christmas and catch up with them.

I am not going to lie, sometimes I lose site of those that love and care about me that aren’t necessarily standard family. I lose site, that is, until my car is broken down and a friend loans one, my best friend is ready to cut someone who hurt me, and they allow me to crash a thanksgiving dinner. I am reminded that I am cared and loved by many. This year has been one for the books, but I am beyond thankful for people who God has placed in my life. So, thank you so all those who have become “family,” I am not sure what life would be like without you!!

Chapters

I closed a chapter in my life this past week. It was one of those chapters that I never really intended on writing. Maybe be I am getting ahead of myself. Have you ever began reading a book and you can’t put it down or you begin reading and you put it down because you don’t like the where its headed? I have done both, Redeeming Love, I stayed up until 5 am reading. I was exhausted the next day. The Divergent Series: Allegiant was the opposite, I recall putting the book away for a week because I didn’t want to read what happen. I am such a nerd…

I have always loved this quote:

As I said above, I closed a chapter in my life last week. I have been coaching Crossfit for the last two years. I have loved it, I got to mix two things I love, teaching and Crossfit into every afternoon. I have gotten to know some of my best friends, I would not change that chapter of my life for anything. Would I read it out loud, yeah, would I share with others what I learned absolutely! I found out a lot about myself somethings I liked and some I didn’t. But it’s a chapter in my life, one that if I didn’t have it wouldn’t make me who I am. It’s really bittersweet thing, I will miss teaching, but not coaching will open up new possibilities and free time for me.  

Its funny that this chapter ends as I celebrate three years in South Carolina. Three years, I can’t believe it, this is a chapter God is still writing…but the thing is I hate not knowing, what might happen next. I had my story all written when I was younger. I knew what I wanted and when I wanted it, but oh how things have been so different then the way I saw it. I wanted to get married at 22, have kids and be a teacher. I will be 35 in 4 months, single and working in a church. But I am glad, I am not the same person I was when I was younger. I am glad that I have been able to do the things I have, traveled, the places I’ve lived, the friends I’ve met and work where I work. I am excited to see how God adds to this chapter, the new things and trouble I can get into now that I’m not longer coaching.

I pray that I never have a chapter I can’t read out…I do pray that no matter what’s in each chapter I would learn from it and grow in my trust of the Lord, I challenge you the same…even when you don’t know what’s coming next.

From the Diary of a former kinda sorta fat girl

I have to make a few disclaimers before I start this post:

1. I know one friend when she sees that title I will be getting a call or text. Mostly because we have talked about me calling myself this. Melinda, I remember what you said, but I needed a good attention grabbing title and well its the truth. 
2. I know I have young girls that follow me on Facebook and Instgram. I want you to know  you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God made each of you SO unique and don't let anyone ever let you think that you are not special because you are! This is just my struggle. 

Ok, so I have been wanting to write this post for a bit, but honestly I didn't know how to start it or really what to say in it. Honestly it may end up being a bunch of nonsense, kinda like my college papers before my best friend got her red pen after it, ha. 

So two weekends ago I hit a major weight goal in my life, one I have been striving for since I don't know...maybe this picture, if not before. In case you are wondering that is me in the red circle. 

 This is 14 years ago...14 years.....man....

So year major break through and then Tuesday I broke and when I say I broke, I just fell apart. And unfortunately it was not in the privacy of my own home. It was at my box in front of my coach, who thankfully is a great friend. When he asked what was wrong I simply said "I am always going to be the fat girl or thought of as the fat girl" and I went home. I wish I could shake this feeling, but Satan has my card on this one. He knows how and remind me I'm not the one beating guys off with a stick. That I shouldn't take my tank top off when it gets up working out, no one wants to see that. The girl who is "safe" I'm not going to be the girl that causes problems. So many things go through my head. Then the world reminds me that I don't really fit in either, that unless I am a size 10 and perfectly fit that I don't have a place. I wish this was a happy post, I wish I could say I look in the mirror and love what I see, but I don't always. But I know I am trying...I know that I am healthier then I have ever been. And there are days where I look in the mirror and think, "Man I have come a long way, I still have a ways to go, but I have come a long way."

I think if I could accomplish one thing with this post is please, please encourage those on a journey to get healthy, cheer them on go workout with them. If you have someone in your life struggling with weight issues...please, please be kind. Please don't tell them "You have such a pretty face, if you would just lose a few pounds"  Encourage them to get healthy for their future. In the end, a person has to decide on their own, its a personal decision one I made and have to continue to make daily...

Decisions, decisions..

"I don't like to make life changing decisions."  That is usually my response to the statement: "you decide where to eat." Usually I get a good laugh out of the response, it's just not expected. But I get an even better laugh now. Apparently moving 5 states away from family and friends to a place where you know no one is just that "a life changing decision." Who knew!!  Incase you live under a rock and haven't seen my twenty million "I'm lost" posts I now live in the up-state of South Carolina. 

On my way to Bible study tonight I was thinking about the day I drove into town just two and half short months ago. To be honest it still kinda doesn't feel real, like it's all a dream. Like I don't really live 12 hours from home, I haven't started training at a new gym, I don't have a new group of kids. But I also thought about how they whole time it has just felt right. Don't get this wrong I have had my moments where I questioned God, wondering what his plan could be. I struggled, still struggle and probably will struggle with being away from family and close friends and knowing no one. It's new and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. 

So do I like making life changing decisions....no. Sometimes I wish people could make them for me, but I look back on my life and think about all the life changing decision I've made. Moving away for college, seminary, to Mississippi (another place where I knew no one before moving there), starting CrossFit, and so much more. I think about those decisions and I'm reminded of what a friend told me when I was praying through the South Carolina move, 

"Mandy, God is so much in this I wonder what would happen if you chose not to go?" 

It really kinda hits home, makes you wonder. What life changing decision are you in the mists of making? But more importantly where is God in that decision, for me he was at the center, he was clearly guiding it, which made the move a little bit easier to handle. And has also helped me through those hard moments of utter and complete, "what was I thinking." I know that now I look to see where He is in the decisions I have to make. I don't know what other life changing choices I have coming; but part of me hopes, for a least a short time, they are simply "you decide where to eat lunch."

Goals...or lack there of...

I have been thinking a lot lately about goals, setting and achieving those goals. We have a goal wall at my CrossFit box. We are suppose to put goals on the wall, no matter how big or small just goals you are wanting to accomplish. One of my goals was to move to a 20" box for box jumps, after we accomplished a written goal, we are suppose to mark it off the list and write a new goal out beside it. After my amazing coach helped me I was able to accomplish a 20" box jump and am able to do them in workouts now. So it was marked off the board, with great joy and excitement and a  24" box was written in . I have never been more excited about marking something off a list. 

But as I think about marking that off the list I realized that was maybe the second time I made a goal and marked it off.

You see I never made goals growing up, I just did what was expected of me. Now don't get me wrong I had things that I wanted to accomplish, graduate high school, go to and finish college you know those sort of things. But never did I sit down and say "I want to do this." Here recently that has been more of troublesome fact for me. I have thought about it a lot. Why have I never written down goals, I remember one time in seminary for my class Wellness and the Minister we were required to write down a physical, a emotional/social,  and a spiritual goal.  Other than that I have never written anything down. When I set out to lose weight and get healthy that was all that was on my mind. I had a long term goal, but never something that I wrote down and never small attainable goals. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to have to face the possibility of not achieving that goal, because you see I hate failure. I hate disappointing myself and let alone others. 

However, for some time I have been stuck in a rut. I haven't seen the scale go down, while I thankfully haven't seen it go up too badly. I also find myself saying never...alot. I will never accomplish this, I will never be able to do that and most people know me not as a negative person.  I realize the time has come that I need to write down goals and set out to tackle those goals, So much of CrossFit is setting up goals for yourself, to make yourself better. However, how are you suppose to make yourself better if you don't have things you want to accomplish. When I say this I don't mean just in the fitness area, but in all areas of life. 

So as I finish up this post I am looking at a notebook and a list of goals that I am writing down. Some are small, such as adding yoga into my workout routine and some are big, like running a half marathon. Some are also spiritual, because the its about having a relationship with God and growing closer to Him each day. Each day I will set out to accomplish these goals and thankfully have a great group of people who are going to helping me stay accountable. Now I just have to push through and stay the course and have the overwhelming joy of marking something off my list. Something tells me it is going to be wonderful...you might try it too, we can knock out some goals together!!

Giving up..

I shaved a minute 40 off my one mile this morning. It was something I needed, not 12 hours earlier I was telling a friend I need my body to make some kind of advancement in my workouts. You see the voice that encourages me to "give up" has been alive and well here lately. It's been battling with the "keep going" voice. I've been down this road so many time, I've usually given up by now. Not really sure why I'm still pushing though it. Pushing myself through tough workouts, where sometimes compared to everyone else I look like a beached whale. Sometimes two WODs a day where my legs are still hurting three days later and walking down stairs or a hill may mean face planting. I've determined that it's easier for a person who was in shape to get back into shape, than it is for someone who was never in shape to get into shape. You see at least they know it's possible, they have been there before. All I have ever know is plus sizes clothes, elastic waist bands, and being told I have such a pretty face if I would just lose weight. So this week once again I asked myself why I keep going why haven't I quit.

I keep going because when I was in my early 20s I thought I was having a heart attack, no 20 year should fear that because of their health. I keep going because my knees have hurt less in the past two years than they have since high school. I keep going because I have met some of the most amazing people at CrossFit and competed in a sports competition, something I never thought would happen. I keep going because as someone told me this week about their own personal journey, "I was doing all this stuff for the Lord and serving Him yet I wasn't taking care of His temple." I was like wow, pretty true about myself. I'm still going because while home for Thanksgiving I helped my dad, at the age of 64, put a device on his legs to work the fluid and blood out of his legs after his long day of work. That is not something I want to be doing, I want to be traveling the world on my own two feet. I keep going because honestly I can't go back, it's just not an option. Because when I think about going back...I become sad and think of how far I've come. Not just how far physically, but emotionally and spiritually and in life. And because if I can be remembered for anything other than being a follower of Christ I would like it to be that I inspired someone, inspired someone else not to give up. 

#itsagoodhurt

I'll never forget it. It was my second or third time to workout at my new CrossFit box, by this time I'd been in CrossFit for two months. I walked up to my coach, Adam, 

Me:"Is it suppose to hurt right here?" 

Adam: "Yep." 

Me: "Ok just making sure, cause it hurts really bad."
Adam: "No it hurts really good." 

I will probably remember this conversation for all time; with it a hashtag was born:#itsagoodhurt.

 

I have been waiting to write this post for a while. I have been adding to it and taking away from it. You may ask why I have been waiting. Well the fact is that I was waiting for my one year annversity of starting CrossFit. That one year anniversary was this week. You see I never in a million years thought I would be doing something like this, I guess I should start at the beginning. 

You see I went out on a limb and bought this GroupOn a year ago. I was looking for something new to add to my workout routine and thought this would be good for the summer. I went to my first class scared to death. I kinda knew what to expect, but was trying to be open. Well after lots of running, sweating, near vomiting and realizing I was going to have to get cooler workout clothes I was all done. Oh the next day though and the day after that, it hurt to do everything. I never thought I would look more forward to walking up a hill whether than down. Finally I went back after 2 days, more running, almost crying this time, but I made it. I continued going and slowly as time went in I increased my number of days I went.

I was reaching the end of my GroupOn and realized I had a decision to make. Was I going to continue doing CrossFit or was I going to go back to running on a treadmill and the elliptical. Well, the fact was I was addicted! I mean check you the picture below: 

Beginning of it all, before CrossFit, after I started CrossFit 

So that was when I decided to join CrossFit Clinton, which was when the above covo happened. Now there is a lot of debate on of CrossFit is safe or not. And I am not making this one of those post. I will say this. I have become stronger, have more speed and endurance, and have become more confident since staring CrossFit. Don't get me wrong I have had problems. But none of them were caused by CrossFit, you can go here to read about my back problems. 

There are time when I think what in the world am I doing here?! I don't belong here, I'm slower than everyone. These coaches don't need to waste their time with me. But those are my own personal struggles and problems. The fact is I am blessed to be apart of a box that is amazing. Where the coaches care about you and your health and your ability. They care when you are gone and if you get hurt. They will work around any injury to help you not lose ground and they will cheer you on the whole time. If I ever move somewhere else, it will be hard to find another place like it. 

There is one thing I would say to all the nae sayers out there, don't knock it till you try it. If you have tried it and didn't like it chances are you were at a bad box. If you tried it and hurt the next day and don't like that feeling, "well suck it up buttercup" because you are working muscles that may have never been worked. It will get easier, then you must push yourself to the next level. Because that's what you have to do to get where you want to be, push, try, go because last I checked sitting on the couch got me no where!! 

Cookies out of Chickpeas

Today I made chocolate chip cookies out of chickpeas, yes you read that right chickpeas. I also own a jar of coconut oil. These are two things that I never imagined I would be using. I mean lets be honest, I didn't even know there was such a thing as coconut oil and chickpeas....I just thought that was just for hummus. But there I stood in the kitchen with my food processor grounding up chickpeas. I will say they turned out pretty good.

You see I started this new adventure two weeks ago called clean eating. Well, cleanish eating, because you see I don't know if I will never totally be off processed food. This is not only an adventure in cleaner eating this is also an adventure in cooking period. See I don't cook, I bake.Cooking meals has ever been my area. I don't know if it is because I am just lazy or if I feel like there are only so many things a single girl can cook without having to feast on it for 20 days. But I just never really cooked. But two Sundays ago, I went to Starbucks, considering it my "last meal", sat down with my computer,  notebook and began looking for new clean recipes. I found a few, made my list and was ready to go. So far I have done pretty well I have made meat loaf, Jambalaya, Stuffed Bell peppers, and this week I will make clean eating crock pot Mexican Chili Mac, I am really excited about that one.

Why am I doing all this you may ask or not. Well most of you if you have read my previous post know that I have struggled with my weight my whole life. What you probably don't know is that I was on cholesterol medicine when I was in high school and college, my knee creak and hurt like that of someone much older than me, and I have lower back problems to which my weight has contributed.  I have recently posted picture of myself showing what I have done so far. I am super proud of those pictures and will continue posting as until I get to where I want to be. But the one thing I hope that people will understand though all this is that I am doing what I am doing because I want to be everything God wants me to be. I'm a minister and a southern Baptist minister at that, we eat....a lot. But I also know that I will never be able to keep up with kids that I minister to if I don't take care of myself. . I also want them to see that we have to take care of our bodies...I mean you can't get more blunt than this.

One day in the future I desire to get married and have a child, my weight will play a factor. So the way I see it I am just taking steps now to ensure my future both in my personal life and also in my ability as a minister.

If during this process I drop dress sizes and get muscles in places where there used to be flab, that is awesome! But I know that most importantly I will be taking care of what God gave me and wants me to use for his glory! 

The whys have it...

I'm a why person, I don't really know why but I am. I want to always know the reason behind things. Even small things, I will even sometimes ask why something happened the way it did in a movie. I don't remember being this way as a child, I am not really sure when this habit or need started. I know that working with kids "why" is the question that gets asked all the time. I have even found myself telling kids "because I said so" something I never thought I would say. Maybe since I was not overly questiontative as a child I am trying to make up for lost time.

Earlier this week I was preparing a lesson for kids and trying to put my thoughts together on something that I read. I kept re-reading it, trying to make heads or tails of why something happened the way it did. I think it is an ever present question that exist in life sometimes. I know I have my fair share of whys:

• Why did God call a girl to ministry who always feels completely inadequate. 
• Why did God move me to a place where I knew absolutely no one..well this one I know the answer. He wanted and wants me to trust him with every factor of my life. 
• Why did God tell Balaam to go with Balak and then get made when he did...this one was from our lesson. 
• Why can't I be as crafty and able to do all the things on my Pinterest board. 

I am sure that I could fill up pages with they "whys" that pop into my head on a regular basis. I am sure every one else has "whys" that they ask on a regular basis too. There are deeper "whys" in my head, like why did my biological father die...that one one is always followed with, what would life be like if he hadn't. Why did God send his Son to die when on a daily basis we see how much of a sinful people we are. So many whys. But the one thing that I always come back to is that I was just not meant to know the answer to everything. Some may say its because it may be too much for any one person to handle. It may be that I would not like the answer. So many different choices to pick from. There are two verse that pop into my head each time I get to asking my questions...

The fact is that I will never know "why" some things happen as they do, but I can put my trust in God who knows far more and better then I ever will.

That epic love story...

So I don’t know if you know this, but on iTunes there is a station called Frozen radio and it has all this music from Disney and Pixar movies. So for the past few weeks I have been jamming out to that when getting ready in the morning. Now before you judge, you know that you have belted out to some “Hakuna Matata” or “Part of your World.” Anyway recently I was listening to the station when the song that is from the intro to the movie ‘Up’ played, if you haven’t seen it here check it out….

Ok, so if you are like me you cried…I mean how could you not! I love this...

I have to say I kind of agree, while everything in Ellie and Carl’s life didn't go exactly as planned it was a pretty epic love story. Speaking of love stories as I write this I am watching the story of Ruth, talk about another love story. Just thought I would give you a little added info. But back to my original reason for writing, I blame Disney for a lot of things, my hair expectations, wanting woodland creatures to appear and clean when I sing, and how could we not mention “prince charming.” I mean we can really blame Disney for a good bit, doesn’t mean I don’t love to watch the movies or would love to go to the park again, it’s just fact.  

But back to prince charming….I think all us girls have that idea in mind of who, when, and how we expect for our “prince charming” or “Carl” to show up. We wait and pray and look forward to the day that someone will accept us for who we are and love us. We dream of setting up house, having dinner cooked at night, talking over a meal, and watching a movie. I look for someone who will lead our family to be strong followers of Christ to serve in ministry with all those things that couples do together. But I think sometimes we miss the point, we do have someone that loves us without limits, really loves us more than our “prince charming” or “Carl” will…

Who is this person you might ask…um…Jesus. I know it sounds a little cliché or like something a minister or Christian would say, but it is true. I mean come on the man died on a cross, so that we would have a chance at eternal life when it was the last thing we deserved. He makes a way for us to have a relationship with God the Father, who loved us enough to send his son. I on a daily basis ask myself why he would do this but the simple fact is…God loves us, more then I think we can ever fathom.

I do look for the day and pray for the I will meet my “prince charming” or my “Carl.” That man, who will put up with my overwhelming number of corny jokes, can deal with my sometimes quite ditzy moments, my love for history and reading, who can handle my fear of the uncertainty and subsequent need to control a situation. I also want to give him just as much if not more of what he needs. So I will wait, but while I wait I will remember that I am loved with a love that I don’t think will ever make sense to me…

My Third "job"

So I know what you are thinking, “Mandy you only have one job, what is the third job talk?” Well let me say I have two jobs in one I’m a children’s minister and then I am a preschool director two very different jobs, even though they both involve children and families. One I am more of the fun Mandy and the other I have to be more serious many or as the kids call me “The Principle.” Now this third job it’s not paying, I wish it was because man I would make a killing with it! I wish I didn't have it because it is really annoying. I wish with everything I had I could get rid of it, but alas I have yet to get rid of it. What is this bothersome third “job” you might ask (or might not)…over thinking or over analyzing.

Now before you tell me that’s not really a job let me just list some of the things that go on with this “job.” It is a constant thing; it’s something that I do every day. I don’t want to say all day, but a good portion of the day. Usually it wears me out, you see because I don’t just over think or analyze one thing. You see I will come to a conclusion or end point of wondering about one thing or an issue and thing praise the Lord! Then give me time and something comes up with the “solution” or outcome that I ended up with. I wish I could say that this is a good thing, which it helps me to have everything figured out. However, it doesn't, it usually just causes me more problems than I already have. So many times I find myself saying this:

My favorite verses are Matthew 6:25-27, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” It is when I remember this verse that I am reminded over thinking or over analyzing is really worrying. I have a commentary and it says this about this about verse 27: “Worry about the future is not only a dishonor to God—it is also futile. The Lord demonstrates this with a question “Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?” A short person cannot worry himself eighteen inches taller. Yet relatively speaking, it would be far easier to perform this feat than to worry into existence all the provisions of one’s future needs.” The thing is I don’t have to worry that God does not know what my dreams and desires are he does and I have to remember that and trust that he has got everything under control.  I can’t imagine how much of my life or hours I have wasted by thinking how I might have done things differently, how this or that situation might have turned out differently had I chosen another way of doing things. I want to live life, am I going to get hurt, am I going to make mistakes…absolutely! But I don’t think God meant for us to be so worry or think too much about what could go wrong. Jesus said in John 10:10:

Today I had that moment of pure peace…oh that moment was wonderful! Where I just threw my hands in the air and said Lord I don’t know any more I don’t want to care or worry I want to just trust you that you have a plan and that my analyzing does nothing, but add stress to my life and gray to my hair. I think I am going to try and have more moments like that, because so far all “over thinking” has done is cause me unneeded stress. And has caused me to dishonor God as well…maybe you can jump on the band wagon with me!

Expectations and heart break

I hate being a girl sometimes. There are the obvious reasons, having to shave your legs, the prep time for going out, and the overwhelming pressure of society. It just isn't all fun and games, especially when it comes to games of the heart. I am kinda dealing with a slightly fractured one at the moment. I got to be on the receiving end of the "We will just be friends" talk this weekend. Now I have given this speech before to guys, but have never been on the receiving end of it. While I didn't like it, in fact I hated every second of it, I do have more respect for the guy for doing it. Because you see in the past I have just been left hanging wondering what on earth I did wrong for the guy I liked not to like me. And as much as last night sucked, I at least am not left wondering. Part of me wishes I could be mad at him, angry because he is dating someone else, mad because he said something mean...something. But I have nothing. all he did was sing my praises, tell me I am an amazing girl, will make an amazing wife and mother, but it was not going to be with him. He wants to be friends, its what I want to, but I know its something that will take time. Before, I can simply text or call him without wondering....maybe. I think deep down I knew that it was going to happen, but I had in mind what I wanted and was not going to change my mind.  Last night I was blessed to have a friend come over and bring pizza and ice cream. She just let me cry and complain helped me talk through it, watched "Pitch Perfect" (how can you not laugh at that). Oh to be blessed with great friends is awesome. But through it all I kept thinking, "Did I set my expectation too high?" "Did I expect more than was fair?" He and and I had both agree that we would see where this went and we would be open and honest about everything, but in it all did I take it to the immediate expectation of more. Maybe I did, that is something that I have to figure out.

One thing that I have learned yet again through this and something that I am learning all the time is my expectation do not always line with God. We can pray and hope and scheme and make ourselves believe that we can get what we want. But in the end we will either end up unhappy because we chose our way instead of His or we spending a night crying, eating pizza, and ice cream because God had break our heart and bring us back to him and his plan. So much can come from living for our own expectation, some of it can be great especially if your expectation line up with God. But oh if they don't, heart ache can result, and maybe not even heart ache for just you. We, and I mean me too, have to always make sure that we are aligning up what with God. I have no doubt that when they do great things will happen and if we are following him he will give us the desire of our heart, because our desires are his desires. I don't regret the past four month and oh I hope that me and this guy can be friends. He is a great Christian guy and he actually manned up and was honest instead of sinking back into the shadows to leave me wondering. But, I know it might be a while before I can simply text and say "How how are you?" and have a simple friendly conversation and not have expectations for more.

That's the hard part knowing he things that I am this great girl, we have a blast together, but he and I just aren't going to be together. I think that is the biggest thing I am struggling with is why? But I guess we don't always get a answer to the whys in life. God doesn't always give us a why he just says trust me.....

Mountains...a five letter word

D-O-U-B-T

Oh how those five little letters can be so harmful, oh how those can be so crippling. I have always considered myself a positive person. I will encourage someone to try and achieve the best to their ability and will try and help them see how any negative situation can have a positive out come. I think it is mostly because I don't like seeing people sad or depressed or unhappy. I don't like seeing them not getting what they want or achieving what they can. But I have recently discovered when it comes to myself...doubt has a tendency to over come me. I probably doubt myself and situations I am in more then I have doubt for others.

I recently was talking with someone and they told me that I am beautiful, have a great love for Jesus, am a great children's minister, and intelligent. These are things every girl wants to hear especially the beautiful part and these are also things that many people have told me before.  However even after this person told me this and with all the other people telling me, I can honestly say that it was less then a week when I doubted every single thing. 

I remember walking across campus at seminary with my best friend, with me crying because I didn't think I belonged there and that it was the last place I should be. Then, on the day of graduation crying because I had finished, I accomplished something I never thought I would. I honestly don't see myself as a good minister...maybe that is what makes me a good minister. I don't want to sound high and mighty, but I know that this strange calling that have been placed on my life is not one that I ever thought I would be doing. I see myself as just a failure when it comes to following Christ, that I fail everyday in following him. However, I think it is also because I know that I am not perfect and that I fail that I am able to be used. I know that God does not call the equipped he equips the called and I am the total definition of that! 

Most recently my doubt has become over bearing when it comes to CrossFit and my goals, I was on such a roll and then my back problem hit and I faltered and stumbled, but was determined to get back up. Then I found myself quitting. I found myself at one point saying I will never get there so whats the point. I will just stick with where I am I can be happy with that, it will work for me. Oh how doubt has poked up its evil head once again. 

I know that I could make this a really theological topic and talk about how doubt is from Satan and it is not from the Lord. But theology has never been my strong suit, so I will not go there. What I do know is that Jesus talked about doubt and there are many stories in the Bible about people who did not doubt and miraculous things happen. He even says in Matthew 21 "...if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.'" Oh to have the faith to tell a mountain to throw itself in the sea. I think we all have our mountains, if you are like me you have multiple mountains, some bigger then others. But I challenge you just and at the same time challenge myself have faith...have faith to move a mountain.

Easy like Easy Mac...

So when I was a kid Mac and Cheese was my favorites. No matter what when my mom cooked it I was so excited. Well with this whole new life style (cause that's what your suppose to call dieting) I don't get it much. But every now and then I cheat and make some, sometimes you just have to have that old comfort food! 

The fact is when you are over weight for the majority of your life even when you lose weight...even a lot of weight it's hard to see yourself that way.(Or at least it is for me) I have lost 45 lbs since January 4th and I'm not sure how many inches cause I didn't measure myself. All I really have to go on is pictures and clothes. I can see changes, but even with all this I still 80% of the time don't see the change. I still think of myself as that extremely overweight person who used my jokes, volume, and self deprecating humor to get me through the day. 

(This is a constant reminder)

One movie that I like to watch when it comes on is "League of their Own". Well there is a line toward the end of that movie where Jimmy Dugan tells Dottie Henson "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." I think that if you ask anyone that has ever tried to change they way they were living they will say it is hard. You fall back into old habits. Sometimes its easier to do what you used to. Its familiar it its comfortable, but that does not mean its better. I don't say this just in regards to losing weight...I'm saying anything that requires a change in the way you did things. 

Last weekend I slipped back into my old habits big time...I'm talking junk food...no exercising the whole deal! To be perfectly honest I had not felt that bad in months. I felt horrible..and just wanted to throw-up and stay in bed. If you ask me now (and your reading this so you might want to know) what is hard...hard is going back to the way things once were. Hard is going back to limited stores that I could shop. Hard is going back to being exhausted all the time. Hard is not wanting to be seen or acknowledged in a crowd. Knowing what I know now..hard is going back. Don't get me wrong I know I have a long way to go and that by no means is it going to be easy, but I know it is going to be easier then it has been and how the past was. I hope that Dottie's words "It just got too hard" come out of my mouth and I hope you can have that same attitude too! 

Stumbling blocks and fear

So I spent most the time from 9:30 am till 1:00 pm crying. We're talking the big crocodile tears...ones that leave marks on your shirt. Not ugly face crying just sadness. These tears are not because I found out today that my pelvis is 7-9 mm lower in the left than the right or that I have arthritis in my lower back or that I have a sway in my back that is a good 10 degrees off than what is normal. All these things are fixable and hopefully will be much better after 6 weeks of care. 

No the reason I was crying these crocodile tears that I see so many of my preschoolers cry is because of fear. Because with these health problems come the requirement that I scale (to a high degree) everything at CrossFit. You see it started almost three weeks ago with some muscle pain. I didn't think much of it and continued when it didn't get better I tried a massage. Thankfully I saw improvement for a day or two, but when it came time to workout again all the pain was back. So I took myself to the chiropractor and after this morning's visit the above mentioned are the results. It seems that my muscles on the right side are working extra hard to pull up the left pelvis to no avail, hence some of the pain. Most people would be so worried about this diagnosis and what came next and don't get me wrong I have my concerns, but they all tie into fear. 


Fear that it won't get better and ever getting back to my full capacity at CrossFit will never happen. 


Fear that I have damaged my body beyond repair because of my horrible habits in the past.


Fear that this will push me to quit. (I have already been close a couple of times today) 


Fear of gaining all 45 lbs I have lost and then some back. 


Fear of not being able to get past this point and not achieving my finial goal. 


Fear that I'm going to let this stumbling block stop me completely.

Even I write this though there is a still small voice telling me I have this. Even if I feel like it is pointless for me to still go to CrossFit because I'm not even close to being able to do the full WOD. Even if I can't run (cause I can't). Even if I can't lift the weight I'm used to (cause I can't). As I have thought and cried that voice tells me I will over come this. It was Elijah that heard the still small voice of God in the wind. I'm no Elijah and there is it a crazy person after me. But I know that if I'm going to make it through the next six weeks (maybe more) of sticking to my goals and staying on track drawing my strength from God is the only way it's going to be possible. But that doesn't mean that there won't be more tears along the way...

This situation is not life threatening...I have been told I will get back to my old CrossFit self one day (sooner rather than later I hope). But in the mean time I guess I will really have to watch my eating and if anyone wants to go for a walk...just give me a call. 

I think I need to go download Mandisa's 'Overcomer' something tells me it my come in handy soon...

Deja vu

Well recently someone told me that I should be blogging…my response “I have a blog I just don’t use it.” Well I have decided to use it again. That being said here we go!

How many times have you found yourself in the same place you have been before? Doing the same thing you always do? Or making the same mistakes you swore you would never make? I think we have all been there…if you haven’t congratulations and can I please have your secret because you could totally market that junk!

Well I am here to say I have done this numerous times and I am at that point once again, but first a little back ground. I have struggled with weight my whole life….I wish had been one of those people who was a fit kid & it just got away from me but that wasn’t the case. As you can see I was always a cubby child. (Please note the denim on denim) Well cubby childhood morphed into overweight teenager. (Senior prom)

I wish I could tell you that there was some deep seeded reason I was so big, but after a lot of self-reflection I realized…I just really like food. I could never be bulimic or anorexic because I love food too much and please know I know those are serious struggles. Well my weight went up and down over the years and then three years ago I reached this point (second from left):

But the final year of seminary and trying to determine what God had next for me…I gained it all back and probably then some. And started a journey yet again and here I am again at a point I have been at many times before and hitting a plateu that I know all too well….

But this time I plan to look at this stage and punch it in the face! I am determined to look forward and see what I can accomplish with more hard work and dedication. I know it is going to be hard work and effort and I know I will stumble at times, but I have no doubt that with the Lord’s help I can press forward.

So this is a challenge to all you who have actually taken time to read this long blog. When you come to that point of giving up and throwing in the towel with whatever it is you are facing, don’t look back keep pressing forward chances are its much better then where you have been because when I look back I am amazed at the changes I have seen and it pushes me forward…toward better and greater things that God has planned for my future…cause I have no desire to go back...

                                                 December 2012-------August 2013

Fear Factor

I’m not sure if you have ever watched the show, if you have then you know what I am talking about. However, if you haven’t basically the idea is that people compete in these challenges and whoever makes it through wins money. Now these battles are not easy things, they generally involve eating bugs, sitting in snakes, diving into something gross or doing a stunt from a helicopter or a high building.

I MIGHT do well on most of these competitions…however, heights is where I would fail horribly. See I have a healthy fear of heights by that I mean they down right scare me to death! I have always had a small fear, however when I was in college, something happened that make this fear even stronger. It involved this roof…and a loose toe board. To make a long story short, I was on a mission trip repairing a roof and the toe board I was on slipped. Had it not been for a friend and my crew chief, I question where I would be today and also if I would be here today.

Fast forward to this week end where I had the joy of going on a trip with the youth group from my church, where we went to a Rangers game and set way, way high up and also Hurricane Harbor. It was at Hurricane Harbor that I got the “joy” one of these tackling slides. One of which was this giant thing, known as the Tornado:

While waiting in line tried to back out several times…in fact when the time came to get in the tube, I’m sure the guy thought I was crazy because  I kept asking if the ride was safe and if anyone had ever died on it. Now you may laugh...but that is the level of my fear both of heights and perhaps a little fear of the unknown.  Now once I got over the initial fear…the ride was absolutely amazing! I am so glad that I stuck with it, well was kind of forced to stick with it.

Fear can do many things to a person; it can keep them from accomplishing something amazing and wonderful. Fear can keep a person missing out something great in their life.  I want to challenge you don’t let fear keep  you from doing something that could be amazing or accomplishing something that could change your life…or who knows you overcoming your fears may have a life changing impact on someone else....

Time is tickin'

So I got this little guy as a graduation present from my best friend....

Now before you ask why on earth would someone get a person a egg timer, there is a story behind it. There was a year between the time I came to seminary and when I finished college that I cleaned houses. One of the houses I cleaned was my best friend's aunt's house and she had one of these timers. Well when I was cleaning one day, I picked up the little feet came off and I kinda panicked, I thought I had broken it. So I took it home and super glued the feet back on and then the next day took it back to her and told her what happened. She looked at me and started laughing...and I was so confused. She told me that the feet were suppose to come off so that it could be turned over so that you could time stuff. Well this is the story of my life...doing silly things, but that's just who I am...I do and say silly things. But while I do silly things...I still was able to get my masters, silly yes...stupid no. Its hard to believe that I am done with school and have no more papers left...woohoo! It still seems so surreal to me...I'm done...no more book reviews, no more research papers...

As the new year begins and things start I have realized that its the time to make resolution...I always have hated making these because I feel like a complete failure if I don't complete them. I heard on the radio today about someone calling them goals instead of resolution, so I have decided to do this. Since I am going to have a little more time and some new adventures I have decided to make one of my goals to blog at least once a week. Sometimes it might be insightful, other times about cooking, or just about a new adventure. I also think I am going to be more crafty making new thing. I am also going to memorize Scripture. Also, try new things maybe a cooking class..finish my cake decorating classes. 

I am excited to see what this new year is going to bring...and what God is going to do because let's be honest it has not been me these past three years, but the Lord guiding me and making everyone of my accomplishes possible!!! 

Oh here is how the egg timer looks when you flip it and don't glue the feet onto it...

That camp high...

It summer which means its time for camp!!! Took an awesome group of kids to camp this past week. Still trying to catch up on my sleep, not sure that catching up will ever happen. The camp theme-Shipwreck Island: Where God Provides. We looked at how God provides everything we need: God provides forgiveness, God provides a call, and God provides enough. The kids studied the life of Paul as they studies these things this week....I think we could all learn a thing or two from him about how God Provides. The week was great and I got to see kids witnessing to other kids and burdened by a friend's lostness and also just grow closer to God. Just a great week!

I can't help but think when I come back home after a great week at camp about that camp high you get. You know, where you are on fire for God and ready to do anything for him. I remember getting it after camp in high school. I don't think much has changed when you are an adult coming home from taking kids to camp. Well, except for the need for more sleep. 

As adults I think sometimes we go thinking that camp is going to be for the kids, we are just going to make sure they are safe and taken care of, minister to them and guide them. However, a lot of the time I think that adults can get just as much out of it as the kids can. Sometimes adults have to be reminded of the "basic" thing about of God. Being reminded that he gives us a forgiveness that allows for eternal life, but also a daily forgiveness for we inevitably mess up. What about a calling...I think sometimes adult and parents get so wrapped up in being a parent that they may forget their calling, what special gift or ability they have been given. I told the kids that God puts a calling on all of us, who have chosen to trust and believe in Him, that is to tell others about him. The last God provides enough...this I think is the hardest to remember. When times are tough and your not sure what is going to happen next...remembering that God provides enough is so important. I know that these are things I had to be reminded of....

God will provide...it may not be what we want and it may be how we want it..but I'll take my chances trusting the Lord, his plans always seem better and turn out better than mine in the end. 

Thought I would leave you with a two pictures of the week:

The crew pre-OMC.

My awesome adult crew....after some OMC fun!!